Halloween in a funny affair in Britain, mainly because, we don't get it.

I live in a country where newspapers literally print full pages for people to cut out and stick in their windows saying they don't want trick or treaters.  This is a country that should someone choose to knock on a door, they damn well better not expect anything...and...what did you say....for free?

The true drawback is that it is a great opportunity for the street dwelling, great unwashed, to harass ordinary people whilst they relax in the evening.


They will arrive in their crappy £5 ASDA/Walmart costumes, chaperoned by a greasy parent more interested in peering through the window at your possessions than any enjoyment their gaggle of kids might get.  Indeed, it means that these "parents" don't have to buy them a bag of chips or warm up a pizza for dinner when they're home.

I think that the biggest gripe is also that Halloween is only adopted by the annoying types who you really want to see move out of your area.

Maybe its just us British being boring, or perhaps we can see through the hype....roll on Guy Fawkes nights.  Bah Humbug.

Michael Jackson's "movie" from beyond the grave, 'This Is It', hit the cinemas yesterday and netted whichever parasites own the rights to his work a cool $20 million dollars on the first day.  My cynicism aside, here are some things you might not have known about the star...

1.  Michael Jackson invented and patented special boots that allowed the wearer to lean so far forward that they seem to defy gravity. He used these for the famous "lean" in the "Smooth Criminal" music video. [LINK]

2.  Michael Jackson's Moonwalker SEGA game involved him "saving" children from a crime boss called Mr. Big. [LINK]

3.  He was nicknamed "smelly".  [LINK]

4.  He (bizarrely) believed that if you peeled the skin off KFC chicken, it made it organic.  [LINK]

5.  As a result of unpaid debts Neverland Ranch (Jackson's home) and its contents were to be auctioned off.  Shortly before the auction was to take place it was cancelled, but not before someone managed to take photos of the strange things on offer.  [LINK]

6.  Following child sex abuse allegations, the Neverland Ranch was left to rot and fall into a state of disrepair. [LINK]

Ryanair regularly have offers for very cheap seats and occasionally for free seats. This guide aims to give you the tips for finding free or genuinely low cost adult return tickets to a European destination. If you wonder why you never get these, or are looking to find them for the first time, read on:

I frequently have friends and family looking puzzled when I tell them about my bargains. In fact they often do not believe me until I show them my booking confirmation. Here is how I book cheap or free flights on Ryanair:

1. If you see a Ryanair advert (press or tv) offering free/reduced tickets immediately go to their website www.ryanair.com - time is often critical as the company will offer limited reduced fare/free seats, and once they're gone the price of seats increases based on what's left. In order to get the lowest possible fare, or for free you must get in there early. It's also useful to keep checking their website a couple of times a week if you have time.

2. Have travel dates that are convenient for you jotted down so that you know what you are aiming towards. This need not necessarily be "holiday" time off from work. The reason being that Ryanair fly regular services often at quite convenient times from major and regional airports. Therefore, it is useful to keep in mind flights departing Friday evening and returning late Sunday (for example).

3. Break the mould with your choice of airport. Those of you in the south of England , you have an array of options, don't confine yourself to your nearest or most familiar departure point. This goes for Midlanders as well, overlook Birmingham and take advantage of the give-aways at East Midlands. Ryanair receives a lot of stick for its "regional" airports, but this is largely their competitors feeling the pressure. In reality these can offer a close, cheaper and convenient alternative to major international hubs.






4. My Irish tip: If you want to go to Ireland, Ryanair is ideal. They fly in and out of Belfast and Dublin 2-3 times a day from most of their UK bases. If you are first in the queue for low fares or free tickets you can quite reasonably fly into Belfast/Dublin on their first flights of the day (often departing around 6am), have a full day in these cities, and return on the last flights of the day (11pm).  This is also an ideal long weekend option with late night Friday services (after work!) and late Sunday options (back before Monday!) as well.

5. My sunshine/culture getaway tip:  Mainstream destinations such as Barcelona, Prague, Berlin etc will be most in demand so you need to be on the ball. Ryanair generally only fly once a day to these destinations (from each specific departure point), so you cannot daytrip unless you leave from one UK base and can afford to return to another (or fly onward). This is because generally flights "turn around" and do the return leg immediately after arriving that day. What I recommend you do is to look for long weekend options. Look from your departure airport of choice from Friday evening until Sunday evening flights (for example) - but of course you can tinker to your hearts content based on your requirements.

6. How do I scour for these free/cheap flights? - Whilst the Ryanair website is pretty straightforward, you do need to know how to look. There are some disadvantages, perhaps deliberate on the part of the airline, such as no comparison feature (between airports and destinations), and no way to store or "add to basket" whilst you browse to save/discard later. Therefore you have to do some good old fashioned searching through their system. Deals will often be displayed on the main page through a prominent flashing banner on the left hand side, clicking this will bring up bigger airports Ryanair operate out of  such as "London Stansted" etc. Note by scrolling down you can select other "bases" - by clicking on these you can see the deals relative to the lesser used departure points. Alternatively you can search between fixed dates, ideally you will be flexible, but if you have to work around holidays etc you might have to pay a premium to get the best deal.






7. Perseverance - What I do next is scroll until I find the first departure I can make for any free/cheap flights. I then make sure that the outbound date is tomorrows date, and the return is the furthest allowed under any offer currently running. Sometimes Ryanair automatically add this to the search form. I then try and line up on the top row cheap/free flights(outbound) against the bottom row cheap/free flights (return). There might be multiple options to choose from using this method.  Try and keep the return date a mimimum of a week ahead of the outbound as you search as the system seems to choke on this, and line it up when you find an outbound you fancy.  I generally just work my way from the first available departure scouring for deals until I find something!

8. Time - Ryanair have multiple UK bases that might be convenient for you, and also numerous destinations that you may wish to try. Searching through all of these flights will take time - but if you want a freebie, then surely it's worth it? The trick is getting in there early when the offers emerge so that there is less searching to do.

9. Being adventurous - The airline flies to many places I'd like to go, and a whole host more I've never even heard of. If you stumble across a freebie or really cheap flight, Google search the destination and see what there is to do in and around the area. Katawice anyone? Simply put, aside from the more obvious places, why not try out something different or use the cheap/free ticket to get to an onward destination?  In fact this is probably one of the biggest untapped ideas, getting out into East Europe and then continuing a journey (such as a world tour) via train or plane from destination to destination.





10.  What to look out for? - When there are offers running, the applicable tickets will usually have no taxes, charges or online check in costs applied to the price.  Be aware that even a £3 ticket can jump massively when all of the fees are added.  It is a common misconception that you have to wait until the end of the purchase to see this, when in fact it is displayed in full view whilst you are browsing your flights.  Just clicking on a flight will re-total the cost.  Note when there is a specific offer on (e.g. 4.99 each way) this will be the total cost.  Naturally you should ensure that you print your tickets to avoid the £40 charge and travel light (under 15kg) to avoid having to pay to check a bag in.  That aside, your biggest outlay will probably be parking your car at the airport - unless you catch a train or hire!

11.  Book immediately - Do not go to the trouble of finding your free or cheap ticket and then decide to email your friends, family about it, or worst of all, sleep on it.  You will discover the tickets have been taken advantage of or have been snapped up in the time you have been procrastinating or congratulating yourself about it.

My most recent victories?  I have free flights to Belfast, Dublin and Barcelona - so it can be done!  Let me know your successes or if you have any tips to add!

England, Britain, United Kingdom.  Call it what you will - but be sure to learn the difference!  What are the best things to see, where should you travel, what do you need and what to expect from your holiday:

1.  Driving - The whole island has a fantastic road network that is virtually entirely free (a couple of tolls bridges/roads here and there).  Whilst congested around major public holidays and at rush hours around inner cities like anywhere, you can get from A to B by car very easily.  The development of the roads in the 1950'60's came to the detriment of other transport networks, notably the Railways which are now plagued by reliability issues.  This makes car hire a must, giving you both the freedom to explore and make the most from your trip.


2.  Buy An Umbrella - Without wanting to put a dampener on things, outside of the "summer" months in July/August there will be days when it rains.  Be like the locals and stick a cheap compact umbrella in your bag, or if hiring a car you can truly be a native with a large stowed golf umbrella! So choose best months of come.

3.  Black Cabs - These are notorious for charging passengers more.  So if you're looking to save some cash or not waste your cash then calling a private taxi firm will do the trick.  Black cabs are prevalent in most parts of the country, but you will pay a premium.  Journeys of anything over a few miles will become very expensive in any respect, and you should consider alternative means of transport.  If negotiating distances such as those London and Edinburgh, opt for air travel - or car hire is again a more economical option.

4.  Rarely Tip - It's not that we natives are cheap (arguable), it's just not embedded into the mainstream culture.  Outside of decent restaurants and perhaps a handful of other places, tipping is not the norm.  If you feel you get great service then by all means tip, but the recipient will often be quite surprised.  The isles are pretty much in reverse to North America and continental Europe in this respect, where tipping is very much the norm.  On the other side of the coin, this is perhaps 10% you don't need to factor into your travel budget!


6.  Drinking - Friday/Saturday nights are big social affairs, and whilst this can bring its own problems the UK has some of the best restaurants, pubs and clubs in the world.  Guys be prepared to embrace pints (567ml) of beer, cider, bitter etc, ladies beware that glasses of wine come large as standard.  In mainstream chain pubs you can get all popular international and domestic brands.  In traditional, freehold or country pubs you will find more regional brews that should be sampled over any mass produced offerings.  The Good Pub Guide is a leading authority on such matters.  Clubs are generally the place to drink spirits and cocktails of varying quality, wholly dependant upon the venue.




7.  Eating - Despite the faux rumours about British food, it is much improved, particularly in England.  Most cities can now boast many top restaurants.  That said, the UK lags noticeably behind other European nations in terms of quality and value of food.  Traditional roasts (eaten on a Sunday), as well as regional dishes depending upon where you are staying are always a safe bet.  Aside from this there is no shortage of multi-national fast food for the budget crowd, and the ever popular fish and chips are available virtually everywhere with regional variations.

8.  Travel by Air - The worlds largest airline Ryanair are based in Ireland and operate from most UK airports.  This is the cheapest and most efficient way to see other parts of Europe and major UK cities.  The UK's regional airports are numerous, easy to access (Heathrow aside) and often overlooked.  Booking in advance is often the key as prices escalate nearer the date and as seats become fewer.

9.  Dialects - Think you won't need a phrasebook?  Think again.  The UK is home to not only more than one language, but also many locally entrenched local dialects.  The Birmingham, Newcastle, Welsh and Yorkshire accents should prove interesting, if occasionally a challenge for any newcomer.

10.  Shop Around - The inhabitants refer to the high price of most products as "Rip off Britain".  Don't be tempted by needless spending and waste your cash, which can be easily done in London around tourist areas.  In fact London is an inflation bubble in its own right, and should you make it outside, your wallet will thank you.  Shopping around for food is easily done and often ultra competitive anyway, but make sure you have researched your hotel online so you're getting the best deal - as almost all hotels charge more at the counter for "walk ins".

I hope this helps you during your stay!

Hey all you morons on strike - yes you Royal Mail "worker" - who seem to think that striking gets the message across to your bosses.  Here's a secret:




It makes ordinary life miserable for ordinary people relying on a service. People who as it happens, pay your wages, whether you like it or not.

Stop moaning. Stop skiving work. Stop standing around cliché oil drum fires posing for TV cameras and post some fecking letters.

Thousands of people would kill for a job right now, and you're bitching and moaning about a perfectly decent one? But then, you will know all about this soon enough when a private body comes, fires your lazy asses and actually does the job - probably much better.



This is a country trying to drag its arse out of a recession ffs, and we also have to endure your braindead ramblings on the TV about how hard done to you are - go to China etc if you want to see truly crap pay and limited poor workers rights.

Give me and the rest of the UK a break form your bullshit.

I wrote last week how Panorama's Ryanair program backfired - and having slept on the content of the "Nick Griffin" show (aka Question Time, BBC), I have similar thoughts running through my head. 

As was widely predicted, Griffin presented a moderate tone throughout - and whilst the man heads a "former" Nazi party, he wasn't going to goose-step onto the stage was he?  He portrayed a very middle of the road image; polite, took a lot of personal criticism without reacting and thanked anyone who asked a question.  He did not put on a demonstration of a man with a persona of outright hatred - but nor do I think he was being particularly honest all of the time.  Which brings me to the other members of the panel.

This is because there were big flaws in all the other panellist's appearing.  If the BNP are the worst choice politically at the next election, then the others are just as clueless - this was supposed to be the great de-robing of the British National Party, in which case I feel it was a missed opportunity:

Jack Straw went on frequent hopeless and meandering semi-speeches throughout the show.  I lost a lot of respect for this man in that hour, his inability to answer a question outright was infuriating - and painful viewing.  He surely wanted to ground to swallow him up when reminded his father was in jail during wartime for refusing to fight the Nazi's, and that he had the blood of 800,000 Iraqi's on his hands.  The blow was dealt by Griffin, ouch.  The show at this point wasn't going "to plan".


Bonnie Greer was an interesting inclusion for me; witty, intelligent, black and positioned right next to Griffin.  She gave some interesting insight and got the BNP leader cornered on historical facts a couple of times but the biggest flaw was her lack of political input.  This was no fault of her own, but meant that she had to look t apply things being said to her field of knowledge which made it all more than a bit disjointed.  Every time she spoke we didn't learn anything about the true BNP, certainly nothing new at least.  The BBC should have included someone from mainstream politics with her attributes to really root out the BNP, but then they had to settle for Baroness Warsi.

That said Baroness Warsi was probably the most cohesive of the panel, chipping in with many interesting and valid points.  After doing her fair share of BNP bashing she did concede that the ground Griffin's BNP party fought needed to be addressed by mainstream political parties.  This was around topics like immigration etc - so therefore she and the conservatives have been almost forced to recognise that Griffin's party has some valid points that are agreed with by voters?  Scary stuff but not out of line with her general stance:

People who back the BNP, criticised for its racist and homophobic agenda, may even have a point. They have some very legitimate views. - Warsi

She wasn't bad, but the future of UK politics?  That's debateable in its own right.




Chris Huhne from the Liberal Democrats put in a mediocre performance.  Whilst not wanting to attack him too much, he displayed all the worst characteristics of a politician.  Frequent meandering, dour replies to often straightforward questions.  He was so focused on attacking the BNP outright he often overlooked the question, seemingly in favour of soundbites.  The Liberal's should be capitalising on the collapse of the Labour vote, the question marks over the Tories and fact that people (surely) don't want to vote BNP.  This was the best man the Lib Dem's could send?  Clueless.

And Dimbleby, the host, was his usual patronising self.  Whilst the BBC would never have bumped him from the show for this event, a presenter or correspondent from the current political arena might have actually got some answers out of people instead of the just constant "we hate BNP"...which we all know...*sigh".

As I also imagined would be the case people with nothing better to do with their time other than "activism" did their bit to cause disruption by invading the BBC.  Quite whose views these people represent other than some pub crawling student body is hard to see - their actions play into the BNP's hands if anything.  Someone needs to remind these people that dialogue is the only way forward, injurring Policemen is not.





Low point of the show for me:  One particular moron who "mistakenly" referred to the BNP leader as "Dick" Griffin.  Shouldn't we, as the allegedly sane, moral people of the population, not be able to put a question to the man without shouting, screwing our faces up and resorting to cheap shots.  

To that man: That was your moment on the pedastel to get answers out of the BNP and you chose to waste precious seconds making a oaffish joke.  Calling him a "dick", just plays into his hands - that's hardly exercising your right to free speech cleverly now is it?

So all in all, entertaining, interesting, but any more of an insight?  Questionable.

This should be a great piece of political television.  Indeed, in a country like the UK in which political coverage is dour and dull (think Andrew Marr and Jeremy Paxman), this you would think, will stand as a highlight of sorts.

But the BBC hosting the BNP leader Nick Griffin on the panel of guests will achieve nothing.  In fact, it will just be an hour of BNP bashing.  And whilst I am certainly no admirer of the British National Party, they will come out of this smelling better.

Free publicity for Mr. Griffin aside, we will see the worst type of whining, shouty, student angst ridden "out with the fascists" type of debate.  Griffin will be heckled into the building, no doubt booed and treated as a second class citizen throughout and inevitably targeted upon his exit.  I predict it will be the least democratic looking political debate of all time.  Which is completely perverse when you think about it.

And for a country so up in arms about not allowing this Nazi-esque party into power, it's extraordinary how many supposed opposers display the key traits themselves.  Every sane individual knows what the BNP are about, if the population at large is truly as concerned as the general media makes out then they will vote accordingly.  Voter apathy arguably is the problem, and showcases tonight pretty much stand to increase this further.

We will learn nothing we didn't already by the close of Question Time, and that's perhaps the sad bit.

Countdown (Channel 4) have decided that they need to modernise with the introduction of Essex girl Rachel Riley.  And to think I just used to tune in to watch Jeff Stelling...

It's a sad fact that you are more likely to be hit by a fridge, marry a cat or get propositioned by Cheryl Cole than win the lottery.  The odds stack up at something around 1 in 14 million in the UK.  Here are a list of things that will happen to you long before you get the correct numbers:

1. More likely to be struck down by flesh eating bacteria. 1 in a Million.
2. To be bitten by a snake or a bee.  1 in 100,000.
3. Struck dead by lighting?  1 in 10 million.  Darn it.
4. Becoming an Astronaut.  13 million to 1.  Hmm.
5. President of the USA.  10 million to 1.  Yes we can...
6. You will be 1.5 Million years old.
7. Killed in a plane crash?  About 1 in 10 Million.  
   
8. My favourite.  If you drive to get your lottery ticket, you are twenty times more likely to die on the drive than to win.

In short.  Not an efficient way of making money!  Damn you probability, damn you do hell!

As amazing to myself as it is to many natives, Birmingham is now a tourist destination for overseas travellers.  However, the guide books aren't always totally honest.  So here are some things to look out for:

The Good:

1. The nightlife is very very good in Birmingham if you know where to go.  Avoid Broad Street, put Newhall Street onto your itinerary instead.  Check out the bars along here (such as The Vaults and Must) and the restaurants (I suggest Rajdoot).  It is also worth looking out for bars such as The Old Joint Stock, Pitcher and Piano and The Rectory.
   
2. The best places to stay are obviously going to be hotels such as the 5* Hyatt or 4* Copthorne.  What the Copthorne lacks in outside visual appeal (owing to some bizarre architectural blunder) it remains a top hotel, very well furnished etc with probably the most central location for exploring.  It is also very good value if booked via the internet in advance.  If you are looking for budget/value then there is always the Etap.
3. Shopping - look up the Bullring, 21st century consumer heaven.
   
4. Birmingham has two football teams.  The historically successful Aston Villa, with it's superb stadium and decent Premier league team - is therefore a trip worth doing.  On the other side of the city are the local rivals Birmingham City.  The stadium (St. Andrews) and area (Small Heath) is a run down affair.  If you want to watch any football, you want to see at Villa Park. 
5. If you are visiting near Christmas, Birmingham is host to the largest German market outside of Germany.  Naturally owing to my German ties I think I can give an honest appraisal here.  So let me put it this way; if you want a genuine Bratwurst and a real Weiss-bier, this is without doubt the only place I go. This is a great night out and I try and make a visit most weekends it's in town.  It's unparalleled elsewhere in the UK and could compete with most I've visited in Hamburg, Frankfurt and Berlin.
6. Owing to the diverse nature of the city (somehow Liverpool was awarded capital of culture, despite being the least cultured place in Britain) you can get some amazing food.  Asian food, "curry" and "balti" is widely available.  There is a road literally known as "balti mile" where you can't really go wrong.
7. If you are thinking of studying in Birmingham there are three very good University's.  Birmingham University is the traditional "red-brick" and boasts being one of the premier educational institutions in the country, and rightly so.  Aston University is also highly regarded along with the recently re-branded Birmingham City University (formally University of Central England).  All three have decent reputations (probably in the order listed) and have prominent campus locations across the city.
   
8. The airport is very under-rated.  Birmingham International is the main hub serving the city.  It has excellent transport links.  Another virtually unmentioned airport is Nottingham East Midlands - this is about an hour away and is a genuine secret.  Ryanair and Easyjet both have bases here and serve most European capitals.  You can save yourself cash by opting to come in or fly onwards from the East Midlands and should not be overlooked if you are travelling around Europe.
   

The Bad:

1. The local accent (dis-affectionately) known as "Brummy" is a slow, meandering dialect.  You will find yourself lost at times, wondering quite where the grasp of the English language has gone.  Local media tries to put a spin on this "traditional" way of speaking.  In truth it is just lazy and largely incomprehensible to even those who grew up in the area.
   
2. It is best to ignore St. Andrews, the home of Birmingham City Football Club.  They own an eyesore of a stadium and have a consistently poor football team.  Avoid.  
3. Broad Street is the main bar and nightclub area.  Thursday, Friday and Saturday nights descend into the worst sort of alcohol related mess and debauchery.  Not in a fun way.  Groups of heavily intoxicated young guys and girls in and around some of the better hotels.  God only knows what those in the 5* Hyatt must think as they look down on it.  This is an area that the Police "contain" as much as they do Police. 
   
4. Social tensions.  Whilst not a major inner city problem, there are gang issues.  Unreported in travel guides, but generally covered in the mainsteam press, there are areas that should be considered "no go" for a tourist.  Specifically lock your doors should you find yourself near the areas in and around Lozells. 
   
5. Public transport is quite hit and miss.  You can't really single out one genuine positive.  
• The trains are regular, but New Street station (to be redeveloped for the Olympics) is a nightmare.  
• The tram network is overpriced and not necessarily convenient considering the route; only towards Wolverhampton.  
• The buses I have honestly only ever found the dirtiest way to travel around.  
• The Underground network...oh wait there isn't one due to a high water table, this is a drawback.  
• By car isn't as bad as non locals seem to make out.  Yes it is a big daunting if you don't know where you are going, but isn't anywhere?  One of the best kept secrets is that you can park in a lot of close to centre side streets (or at least quite cheaply).  If you are going at night you can park for free after about 7pm really close or often outside in pretty much any street outside of the very centre.  This should prove a pretty useful tip that no-one seems to take advantage, or be aware of.
  

Overall:


Birmingham is definitely a better travel/tourist experience than Liverpool, Manchester or Glasgow.  But it is certainly less of a holiday than say London, Paris or New York (obviously really).

If you haven't already heard about this hilarious story, check out the report and the video below:


I am currently developing my idea so that I can get onto prime time TV, because clearly all you need is possession of a major human characteristic; stupidity.

I mean, come on, nobody knew he was in the attic the whole time?

If they really didn't, this kid should get a medal for proving yet again that people will believe anything - I mean look at the thing.  What next, the old walkie talkie down the well calling for help prank?

I guess I'll just continue sitting here, criticising the world quite happily - I'm just gutted that George Bush has gone because that would have been shot down.  "Tearrrrist"  But then that would have been good television...

Having had a day to mull over the Panorama (FAIL) expose of Ryanair I have a few comments.

1. Was this the weakest ever episode of Panorama? [iPlayer UK]
   
2. Michael O'Leary's responses (video) to being hounded outside his hotel are genius.
3. Releasing 1.1 Million free seats online.  Did I mention genius?
4. Great advert for Ryanair; on time, fewest lost bags, best customer service, cheapest fares, youngest fleet of aircraft and clear booking format.
5. Which moron commissioned this debacle of an expose?
6. Which moron having edited it together thought it was worth even showing?
7. The journalist they hired for the job was just out of his depth, though he was given a hopeless assignment.
8. The most startling revelation was...wait for it...expensive coffee and sandwiches....ground their aircraft now, revoke their air safety certificates!  I won't sleep tonight.
9. All Ryanair's rivals are copying their tactics, what does this say?
10. Panoroma will never top the Scientology expose (full episode).  The John Sweeney angry outburst (video) remains my favourite big of footage (aside form angry German kid) to this day.

As regular readers might know I am a closet fan of Ryanair and a frequent flyer with them - so much so I have a list of things you can expect, or not, from them.  It's not so much a "love" I have for them, more an appreciation.

At the end of the day they offer a service as advertised.  And for all people whining (usually over nothing) they are simply very very good at what they do.

So if you are one of these morons who bitches about Ryanair, kindly refrain from making noise from your mouths, waffling on about how "great" British Airways is - the same BA losing money from all orifices, the same BA that charged me exuberant amounts to visit my family for years until Ryanair opened a local, regular, never delayed, cheaper service to the same city in Europe.

Case closed.

Anyone else wondering quite how naked airport scanners will solve any problems?

Indeed, how will allowing some bearded chap to look at my testicles (really closely) aid in counter terrorism?

But alas today, trials began in Manchester airport, and have currently turned up 4 nuts and a collection of manginas.

Why this is pointless:

1. Will a terrorist/drug smuggler etc conceal a [insert weapon of mass destruction of choosing] by selotaping it to their buttox?
2. What about ingesting?  Semtex is tasty.
   
3. Isn't airport "security" the last place you'd try to smuggle something through anyway?
4. Wouldn't you just stick anything you wanted to get through in your carry on bag if you were to?  Checks are hit and miss as we all know.
5. My penis has regularly been deemed an offensive weapon.  [Cheap gag].
6. Who gets the job of looking at all the naked children?  Or is this now the best place to hide an improvised nuclear device?

I miss being able to just get on a plane without an arm reaching up my rectum to retrieve the bottle of Coke I'm trying to smuggle on.  But the drinks are pricey these days, so it's worth it.

Stephen Gately was found dead on Saturday afternoon in Majorca.  Whilst I was not a fan of Boyzone by any stretch, and certainly not of Gately's music or sporadic acting, he does become a statistic.  He becomes yet another person with previous mainstream success, who having fallen on hard times (excuse the pun), is no longer alive.

Some other notable young deaths include:

1. Michael Jackson (50)
   
2. Kurt Cobain (27)
   
3. Elvis Presley (42)
4. James Dean (24)
5. etc etc

This is not to say for one minute that Gately could be considered amongst these greats, but the fact that he had mainstream success in the 90's means we can draw some comparisons I suppose.  What I find most fascinating, is the media response to these types of deaths, the made up profound grief that we should all apparently feel.  Granted if you were a fan of the boyband, I can understand, but for this to be a sustained mainstream news story?  It raises numerous questions for me.  To all British people reading this, I think you'd be hard pressed to find anyone off our miserable little island who had heard of Boyzone, let alone their names.

Without wanting to dwell on the point for too long, a couple of things always raise my eyebrow with stories like this.  Firstly is that this type of "news" gets bumped above meaningful world events.  Secondly, every man and his dog has a good word to say about the departed.  People who probably couldn't give two shits about Gateleys non-starting career when he was alive come out and say what a talent he was, what a super guy.  Well they aren't going to say that he only appealed to girls in 1996 and the rest of us couldn't really care, are they?

For example, I was subjected to watching (on ze news) the surviving members of the band emerge from their plane in Majorca dressed in perfect fashion, sunglasses and walking in sync for the cameras.  All publicity is good publicity it seems.   Furthermore, whilst doing hasty research for this post, I couldn't help but notice a huge web statistics tracker on the foot of the Stephen Gately official page, tacky and it just goes to show what the real agenda is.

Ever wanted to kill yourself?

Have you been close, but just needed something to push you over the edge?

Watch Xfactor.



Mindnumbing, senseless, brain sapping television.  And these are the positives.

If a bigger bunch of sad cases could be gathered in one room it would be called Britains Got No Talent.  I find myself, like most sane people, with my head in my hands.  And who is blame for this?  Simon Cowell?  Steven Gately? Michael Jackson?  Allah?  Who knows..

What I specifically don't understand about these shows, other than the general bullshit, is the blatent fabricated "stories".  Yawn.  And then there's the made up "bickering" amongst the "judges".  I use the term loosely because anyone called Cheryl (a housing estate name) cannot be considered a judge.

Also, and this is my main gripe, is that for a show allegedly looking for mainstream talent, it seeks to sell records to 16 year old girls and considers these kinds of statistics "the greatest".  Give me a break, the only people you are fooling are the morons who buy into this shit.  Alexandra Burke, biggest selling downloaded artist?  Come on, the only thing popular on the internet is porn and funny animal videos.  Xfactor "hit" singles are so shit that people don't even pirate them over Limewire.

And another thing - how come for a singing contest there is so much bad singing even at a later stage??  If you get through this pile of effluence at least have the decency to sing in tune, retard.  Or at least provide the viewer with a "shotgun" feature.  (Though I'd probably use it on myself.)

Here is a guide for anyone wishing to go on the Xfactor:

1. Suffer a brain injury.  This will make you think that it's firstly a good idea to audition, and secondly it provides you with an emotional story with which to get you through a few rounds.  Either that or kill your parents.  Even I'd vote for an orphan.
   
2. White Guys:  Dress like circa 1999 Justin Timberlake and have a "cute" look to impress the female judges and gay male judges.  Sing some bullshit by Robbie Williams or Maroon 5, you fagboy.
   
3. White Girls:  You really need to work that Gwen Stefani look.  Stupid leggings and "attitude" are always in, yo, bro, whack.  Sing some bullshit Girls Aloud poor person hit single.  Get your breatiscles out in the Sunday papers...
   
4. Black Guys:  Do what the fuck you want, you will be compared to Michael Jackson regardless and will probably end up just scarred for entering this dire competition.  Dress like a white guy, sing something soulful.  You'll get to the latter stages, cry like a wussy pussy and come out as being the biggest fairy in the village.
   
5. Black Girls:  Sing Whitney, dress like a white girl, collect your winners record deal and dissapear into the hole that eats up all the other winners.

Suffice to say my recommendation letter for the next series hasn't been responded to just yet.  I'm still waiting Cowell.

If there was further proof needed that the Nobel Peace Prize is more than a bit pointless, it came today with the announcement that Barack Obama wins the award.  Now, firstly I must point out that it's not Obama's fault he won, but for the love of your mom, how can Morgan Tsvangirai be overlooked?


This is a man who was beaten, persecuted and has suffered incredible hardships to try and bring some sort of stability to Zimbabwe.  This brave individual has tackled head on one of the most evil tyrants in the form of President Mugabe; a "man" who would sooner let his own people starve than have a fair election.  Morgan Tsvangirai is effectively a one man band trying to drag Africa out of the darkness of corruption and malign.  Are you watching South Africa? (Mugabe's best buddy Mbeke)

But then Obama has this year named his dog, done nothing about Iran and managed to mess up the only viable
healthcare option for America.  Oh and the successes in Iraq and Afghanistan are innumerable.  Worrying jokes aside he is a great statesman, I read his books with great interest, but as the old adage goes actions speak louder than words.  But then why would you care, what with the $1.4 million dollar prize he has pocketed this morning. 
Clearly one too many pear ciders were consumed whilst deliberating this year....

Fresh from the break up of the band Oasis (again), Liam Gallagher is apparently now a fashion designer.  So,
from the faux cool to the faux fashion world he strides.  This is the same guy who for years wore a shabby "Parka" with ridiculous fluff around the edges.  The same guy who doesn't know what a haircut is.  The same guy who whenever you see you want to give him some spare change.

No I won't be buying any of this.  And the comments from his legions of Burberry cap wearing, Tenants Super swilling fans are laughable.  My favourite:

"I’m a big fan of great clothes and have been wearing Gio-Goi a lot but I think Pretty Green could be my new favorite clothing brand!" - Gio-Gio?  Are you joking??

So if you like frowning and still think its 1996 (the last time you were a hit)...then this is the "brand" for you.

Soon to be seen on the great unwashed throughout council estates across Britain...and probably on Kerry Katona.

Having just read this tosh printed by The Times, I'm provoked into a comment.  The article is desperate to have a dig at Stephen Fry, desperate.  So much so they stooped to digging out a ludicrous quote from Piers Morgan.

“I’d still be getting rather irritated by Mr Fry’s behaviour. I know many people find him endearing, clever and amusing. But I’m afraid I just find him an enduringly crashing bore suffering from delusions of intellectual grandeur and self-importance.” 

This is the universally despised, arrogant, self important, and let's not forget, complete scumbag Piers Morgan.  Delusions of intellectual grandeur...?  There's only one person suffering from this affliction.

Ordinarily I don't care for such "gossip" talk - but Fry is on TV alot owing to his popularity, style, presence and humour.  Piers Morgan isn't on TV (talent contests don't count!) at all because he's a complete baffoon.  How were those chat show ratings Mr. Morgan.  Painful reading no doubt.  Jeremy Clarkson should have kept on punching when he had the chance.

But the fact of the matter is that this is just utter fabricated rubbish printed by The Times.  Of course some people don't like Stephen Fry, and that's their choice, but please don't try and start some faux backlash, and certainly not with the voice of Piers Morgan.