Tuesday, 8 September 2009

Tales from Ryanair.


I am fortunate/unfortunate enough to fly with Ryanair regularly.

Other than the fact that they will be providing "blowjobs" on their long haul flights...

Boeing 737-800 at Manchester International Air...ASDA/Walmart of the skies.

...I have noticed a few things...

  1. They sell spirits in little ketchup style sachets called "baggies".  No mixers or anything, but you can get vodka, rum, whiskey etc in its purest form - and they are always buy one get one free.  But don't you dare consume your own alcohol on board.
  2. Whilst on the subject of alcohol.  The beer is always comically named, unbranded East European lager.  Served at room temperature.  Yum.
  3. They now do a "hot food" type of arrangement.  This is a nuked sandwich of some description that people next to me always order, and can be best described as smelling of a lingering fart.
  4. Always go to the back of the aircraft for boarding, as everyone rugby scrums for the front seats leaving
    A crowd of people returning from a show of fir...Boarding commences.
    the back 2 thirds of the plane empty.  You will get closer to the front (if that's your thing) as the gangway will be jammed by retards putting their cases up.
  5. The back also gives you the best chance of getting a central emergency exit seat with fantastic leg room.  It offers the bonus of meaning you will be the first out celebrating your awesomeness if there's a crash.
  6. The safety announcement regularly says the life jacket is under your seat.  It's actually above your head in a compartment.  Survival of the fittest people.
  7. Ryanair often load disabled people last onto the aircraft.  They will often turf people out of the front three rows who will have sat there thinking they have won a great victory, much to the amusement of everyone else.
  8. Ryanair have a tendency to leave early if they get everyone boarded.  This is a major benefit.  I've found this happens on early morning flights (e.g. 6am etc).
  9. Baggage checkers seem to overlook overweight bags on particularly early check ins.  This varies by airport though, and isn't worth the price to risk in my opinion.
  10. Hang baggage is a free for all.  They are unbelievably strict regarding 1 piece per passenger.  Everything down to a purse or wallet counts as additional, put it away.  I'm sick of watching douchebags try and argue this point.  This isn't the golden age of flying!
    ANGRYRyanair's baggage policy.  Pleasing all.
  11. My tip is to pack a smaller bag inside you single allowed bag into the cabin.  Once on board get it out and stow it under the seat in front.  This is common practice amongst regular Ryanair flyers!  
  12. Overhead lockers become crammed very quickly as most people now take a small case to avoid the cost of checking a bag in.  One thing that most people realise is that the overheads go right back.  If it looks full, it probably isn't - just push peoples crap to the side or out of the way.  I personally hate these idiots who put small items and coats etc that could be stuck underneath the chair in front!!!
  13. If you are fortunate enough to land in Poznan you might be lucky enough to see the refueling taking place whilst the groundstaff smoke.  Good for the nerves.
    I took this photograph and I release it to the...BP-AIR Poznan.
  14. Do not expect change from purchases on board.  It seems as if staff are provided with 20p, and of course the first moron who buys a coffee only has a £20 note.  Use your change or feel my wrath.
  15. The Ryanair free magazine isn't that bad, grab one at the beginning of the flight when the flight attendant comes past.  You can choose which "baggy" you might want.
  16. You will be frequently interrupted during the flight by advertisements over the tannoy.  Ryanair persistently try to flog you everything from scratchcards to a hilarious non smoking cigarette for use on board.  They also stock the latest in perfumes worn on the housing estates of England.
  17. I actually heard someone ask for a pillow on a recent flight. The attendant naturally laughed in his face.  No pillows ladies and gentlemen.
  18. They also sell a "Snack box" type of thing on board.  I always see people buying these things, only to be totally dissapointed.  It's comedy really.  Pictured is an array of cheese, nibbles, chocolate.  What arrives is a box with minature versions of crackers, and the chocolate bar pictured is one of those Cadburys miniature type of things.  Haha, makes me cry with laughter just thinking.
    Fanfare at the show"Yaaaaaay Ryanair!"
  19. At the end of each flight Ryanair plays a fanfare saying how great they are and how on time they are.  This is often regardless of any delay you may have incurred.
  20. You occasionally see a pilot.  But this is rare. 
  21. The safety card is stuck on the seat in front of you, on the back of the headrest.  I assume everyone
    Ryanair B737-800 Cabin"Safety stickers!"
    knows this by now?  It reassures all of the nervous passengers who have to stare at this for the duration of the flight.
  22. There are no pockets on the seat back to store a magazine etc.  This is annoying as hell.  I saw someone once bring one of those car "tidy" things and drape it over the seat headrest, comedy gold.
  23. It's a little known fact that Ryanair produce a calendar with stunning cabin crew inside, yet all of the staff I have seen are short and dumpy.  Its also rare to have an English speaking crew, but it adds to the enormous fun.
  24. The carpets are not fixed, they seem more often than not slide around the cabin, this really bugs me.
  25. A Ryanair flight will always be full.
  26. Priority boarding is a waste of time and money.
Feel free to add your own experiences below.

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