Holy crap what is the world coming to?





Andy Gray has been sacked for doing probably what every man has ever done at some point.  I imagine everyone with a penis will be called in for a disciplinary at work on Monday.  It's not as though he's asking her to fellate him.  He at least had the decency to build up to that.

And poor old Richard Keys.  How will he afford all those pies now?

Not sure what's worse...all this media bullshit - or the prospect of having to listen to Jamie Redknappe's match analysis.  Sweet jesus, I think I played more games than him.  Bloody sick-note.  Nice work Sky.  However, his wife Louise..

The UK is in debt to the tune of 156 Billion Pounds.  And what with our new government seeing it appropriate to address just 6 (SIX?!) Billion of the debt, I thought that I would come up with a few cost saving ideas of my own.  As, frankly, a "pay freeze" for ministers just doesn't cut it...

With the World Cup in South Africa almost upon us, I thought I would apply my normal positive take on things that are likely to ruin it for me.  These ten things will happen at some point, are not restricted to any one nation and are likely to result in me rather watching the blank screen than any more coverage.

1)  UK election date set for May 6th.

2)  David Cameron looks smug.

3)  Gordon Brown unveils a faux smile.

4)  Faux smile featured on Tory billboards.

5)  David Cameron rolls up sleeves.

6)  First ever live TV debates.

7)  Nick Clegg looks smug.

8)  Gordon Brown describes core vote as bigots

9)  David Cameron looks smug.

10)  Nick Robinson becomes most interviewed TV personality in history.

11)  Assassination attempt on Gordon Brown as car crashes into bus stop next to him.

12)  Did someone mention UKIP?

13)  Ethnic minorities (SNP and Claid...) whinge and moan.

14)  Parties do battle to out jargon each other.

15)  Dimbleby/Snow/Robinson prepare to unveil the new fuhrer, live and uninterupted.

16)  I send my postal vote.

I was lucky enough to go to Wembley Stadium in London last month.  I say lucky.  I mean the most unfortunate person in the fucking world.  The reason is that it has been ruined by a bunch of cock smoking morons.  I have been racking my brains.  Hell, I have even been racking my penis to think of a good point about it.  I got one.

1. The views are good.

I have decided that things need to change around here.  Consider it a Barack Obama style changathon, with lots of stating the word "Change", when in fact much (indeed everything) will be the same.

So think of it as r10t3r blog version 2.0, when really it is version 1.0 with gratuitous pictures of women included for no apparent reason.

Expect the inclusion of random crap, movies, games, lulz, unnecessary l33t $p34k etc...it's therefore business as usual.

I've missed you, as much as [Tiger Woods/John Terry/Insert Famous Person Here] misses "transgressions".

Angry about the constant rise in petrol prices? Strange that.

I'm furious.

At a time when this country cannot buy a Mr. Whippy from an ice cream van our government decides to rape us once again at the pumps.

Thanks so much.

People wonder why no one is rioting about quite how shit things are, and they are SHIT....

I've figured it out, a Molotov Cocktail would probably set you back about £10 to fill...it comes to something when amateur terrorism is no longer viable on the grounds of poverty.

And if you wanted to drink/smoke yourself to death? Nah, too expensive as well.

In fact...I'm amazed isn't suicide taxable. Death tax anyone?

So Gordon and Alistair...to you I say: "Great job".

We will just sit, miserable, waiting until we receive the news through the telescreen that everything is better than it has ever been. We will make sure we are thankful, for fear of being locked up indefinitely...

I have not died.  This was the nasty rumour in circulation, that was both funny, and one that I may have myself started.  But enough is enough, my mom has had to cancel a horse drawn cart and flowers afterall.  Have some respect.

I apologise insincerely for my enforced absence, I've been to Belfast, Dublin and Berlin in the last few weeks and its meant that updates have took a beating.  Normal service has now resumed.

I must point you in the direction of something that's keeping me from masturbation and killing endangered species for fun (often at the same time).  Obscure Internet is a great site that will soon become a nailed on "daily" for you.  Don't forget to check out the forum there as well, where I am trying my best to post boobies and obscure gaming references wherever possible.

Video of the day:
It has to be this laid back crazy guy texting on the motorway whilst riding his motorbike. Unbelievable.



Game of the day:  Tribalwars
Holy shit what a great game.  I've lost about 63 years of my life, 8 girlfriends, 2 thaiboys and so much self esteem playing this game that I must share it.  Don't miss out on the awesomeness.

Channel 3's 3D week has a mixed line-up of shows - all of which require 3D glasses which can be picked up for free from Sainsbury's branches.

The shows on offer (don't get too excited):

Turns offs:
Paul O'Grady Show in 3D - No thank you.

The Queen in 3D - Worthy reproduction of her Coronation, but not an audience puller. Fail.

The Greatest Ever 3D Moments - A classic piece of rubbish television, no doubt fronted by nobodies talking about nothing of note...avoid.

Hannah Montana & Miley Cyrus 3D Concert - Perhaps one for the kids, but surely catering to a big adult audience with a mainstream band would be a worthwhile investment of time. Kings of Leon, U2, Coldplay etc? This listing makes me want to burn my TV.

T4 In 3D - Imagine all those annoying presenters, their unfunny jokes, bad interviews in glorious 3D. Avoid this crap like the plague.

Worth Watching:
Derren Brown in 3D - Whilst he is whoring himself for every second of airtime these days, his show will probably be the most interesting and "original" from the Channel 4 3D line-up.

Flesh For Frankenstein in 3D - With a rating of just 5.6/10 on imdb, this isn't going to be a classic. However, this unusual adaptation should prove interesting enough for 90 minutes.

Friday the 13th Part 3 in 3D - This ranks at 5.1 on imbb so another very middle of the road horror offering from Channel 4 here. Still, there is a bit of interest around the whole series, and its 100 times more interesting that Paul O'Grady or the Queen in 3D...

Overall it seems like more than a let down - a 3D week is a great idea - but the fact is the programming is largely abysmal!!

A collection of drunk photos from the UK/Britain and England. As the photos show, we have a collective problem. Binge drinking, pissed, wankered, drunken skunk, call it what you will. This is a tribute to all of these alcoholics, probably long since lost to the sober world. Guys, what were you thinking? Girls, your daddy will not be impressed!

50" TV - A clear demonstration of a man's right to a small penis.

iPhone - The key to celibacy is showing off your latest app to girls (ok, your sister).

Xbox 360 - Is a worthless piece of constantly breaking technology.  My two are now door stoppers.

Pager - I nearly fell over when I saw someone using one the other day. 

Microwave - If you want your food soggy and tasting of the plastic container it came in, look no further.

Clock radio with a CD/ipod player - How much pre-planning do you morons need for an alarm call?

Flying bug/helicopter things - great until you try to control them...they go up, no particular direction and then crash and break.  All for £30.

Wireless keyboards/mice - "oh the battery ran out...hum..." *fetches wired alternative.

Faux Leather car seat covers - Name says it all. (though not strictly a gadget)

Bluetooth Headset - How to look like an obnoxious fool with your mobile phone.

USB Cup Warmer - Liquid near electrics, great idea.

Anything adorned with the words "ideal gift", "father's day", "stocking filler"...do me a favour, donate the money towards supporting terrorism.

Do you have shit soaps in your country?

I guarantee they're not half as bad as the UK.  (Australia aside, Neighbours and Home and Away, jeeeeeeeesus.)

I don't watch soaps, but I caught twenty minutes of the festering mess that Coronation Street is this evening.  Suffice to say I wanted to contract a swift terminal illness for a large chunk of that time.

Mind numbing, intellect sapping effluence.  Maybe that should be the advertising lure?

This pile of utter donkey fart apparently gets viewing figures in the millions - people actually tune in to watch this shite?  It's almost as bad as Xfactor, although it's not half as well acted or scripted.

I mean this is a show that has a DVD out for Christmas showcasing the bizarre exploits of a man who clearly has a learning difficulty, with him wife (who's actually a man) on holiday...in Romania. Give me a break.  You cannot make this shit up.

I often wonder whether I am in the Truman show and this is all just a great test of my patience with humanity.

Halloween in a funny affair in Britain, mainly because, we don't get it.

I live in a country where newspapers literally print full pages for people to cut out and stick in their windows saying they don't want trick or treaters.  This is a country that should someone choose to knock on a door, they damn well better not expect anything...and...what did you say....for free?

The true drawback is that it is a great opportunity for the street dwelling, great unwashed, to harass ordinary people whilst they relax in the evening.


They will arrive in their crappy £5 ASDA/Walmart costumes, chaperoned by a greasy parent more interested in peering through the window at your possessions than any enjoyment their gaggle of kids might get.  Indeed, it means that these "parents" don't have to buy them a bag of chips or warm up a pizza for dinner when they're home.

I think that the biggest gripe is also that Halloween is only adopted by the annoying types who you really want to see move out of your area.

Maybe its just us British being boring, or perhaps we can see through the hype....roll on Guy Fawkes nights.  Bah Humbug.

This should be a great piece of political television.  Indeed, in a country like the UK in which political coverage is dour and dull (think Andrew Marr and Jeremy Paxman), this you would think, will stand as a highlight of sorts.

But the BBC hosting the BNP leader Nick Griffin on the panel of guests will achieve nothing.  In fact, it will just be an hour of BNP bashing.  And whilst I am certainly no admirer of the British National Party, they will come out of this smelling better.

Free publicity for Mr. Griffin aside, we will see the worst type of whining, shouty, student angst ridden "out with the fascists" type of debate.  Griffin will be heckled into the building, no doubt booed and treated as a second class citizen throughout and inevitably targeted upon his exit.  I predict it will be the least democratic looking political debate of all time.  Which is completely perverse when you think about it.

And for a country so up in arms about not allowing this Nazi-esque party into power, it's extraordinary how many supposed opposers display the key traits themselves.  Every sane individual knows what the BNP are about, if the population at large is truly as concerned as the general media makes out then they will vote accordingly.  Voter apathy arguably is the problem, and showcases tonight pretty much stand to increase this further.

We will learn nothing we didn't already by the close of Question Time, and that's perhaps the sad bit.

Countdown (Channel 4) have decided that they need to modernise with the introduction of Essex girl Rachel Riley.  And to think I just used to tune in to watch Jeff Stelling...

As amazing to myself as it is to many natives, Birmingham is now a tourist destination for overseas travellers.  However, the guide books aren't always totally honest.  So here are some things to look out for:

The Good:

1. The nightlife is very very good in Birmingham if you know where to go.  Avoid Broad Street, put Newhall Street onto your itinerary instead.  Check out the bars along here (such as The Vaults and Must) and the restaurants (I suggest Rajdoot).  It is also worth looking out for bars such as The Old Joint Stock, Pitcher and Piano and The Rectory.
   
2. The best places to stay are obviously going to be hotels such as the 5* Hyatt or 4* Copthorne.  What the Copthorne lacks in outside visual appeal (owing to some bizarre architectural blunder) it remains a top hotel, very well furnished etc with probably the most central location for exploring.  It is also very good value if booked via the internet in advance.  If you are looking for budget/value then there is always the Etap.
3. Shopping - look up the Bullring, 21st century consumer heaven.
   
4. Birmingham has two football teams.  The historically successful Aston Villa, with it's superb stadium and decent Premier league team - is therefore a trip worth doing.  On the other side of the city are the local rivals Birmingham City.  The stadium (St. Andrews) and area (Small Heath) is a run down affair.  If you want to watch any football, you want to see at Villa Park. 
5. If you are visiting near Christmas, Birmingham is host to the largest German market outside of Germany.  Naturally owing to my German ties I think I can give an honest appraisal here.  So let me put it this way; if you want a genuine Bratwurst and a real Weiss-bier, this is without doubt the only place I go. This is a great night out and I try and make a visit most weekends it's in town.  It's unparalleled elsewhere in the UK and could compete with most I've visited in Hamburg, Frankfurt and Berlin.
6. Owing to the diverse nature of the city (somehow Liverpool was awarded capital of culture, despite being the least cultured place in Britain) you can get some amazing food.  Asian food, "curry" and "balti" is widely available.  There is a road literally known as "balti mile" where you can't really go wrong.
7. If you are thinking of studying in Birmingham there are three very good University's.  Birmingham University is the traditional "red-brick" and boasts being one of the premier educational institutions in the country, and rightly so.  Aston University is also highly regarded along with the recently re-branded Birmingham City University (formally University of Central England).  All three have decent reputations (probably in the order listed) and have prominent campus locations across the city.
   
8. The airport is very under-rated.  Birmingham International is the main hub serving the city.  It has excellent transport links.  Another virtually unmentioned airport is Nottingham East Midlands - this is about an hour away and is a genuine secret.  Ryanair and Easyjet both have bases here and serve most European capitals.  You can save yourself cash by opting to come in or fly onwards from the East Midlands and should not be overlooked if you are travelling around Europe.
   

The Bad:

1. The local accent (dis-affectionately) known as "Brummy" is a slow, meandering dialect.  You will find yourself lost at times, wondering quite where the grasp of the English language has gone.  Local media tries to put a spin on this "traditional" way of speaking.  In truth it is just lazy and largely incomprehensible to even those who grew up in the area.
   
2. It is best to ignore St. Andrews, the home of Birmingham City Football Club.  They own an eyesore of a stadium and have a consistently poor football team.  Avoid.  
3. Broad Street is the main bar and nightclub area.  Thursday, Friday and Saturday nights descend into the worst sort of alcohol related mess and debauchery.  Not in a fun way.  Groups of heavily intoxicated young guys and girls in and around some of the better hotels.  God only knows what those in the 5* Hyatt must think as they look down on it.  This is an area that the Police "contain" as much as they do Police. 
   
4. Social tensions.  Whilst not a major inner city problem, there are gang issues.  Unreported in travel guides, but generally covered in the mainsteam press, there are areas that should be considered "no go" for a tourist.  Specifically lock your doors should you find yourself near the areas in and around Lozells. 
   
5. Public transport is quite hit and miss.  You can't really single out one genuine positive.  
• The trains are regular, but New Street station (to be redeveloped for the Olympics) is a nightmare.  
• The tram network is overpriced and not necessarily convenient considering the route; only towards Wolverhampton.  
• The buses I have honestly only ever found the dirtiest way to travel around.  
• The Underground network...oh wait there isn't one due to a high water table, this is a drawback.  
• By car isn't as bad as non locals seem to make out.  Yes it is a big daunting if you don't know where you are going, but isn't anywhere?  One of the best kept secrets is that you can park in a lot of close to centre side streets (or at least quite cheaply).  If you are going at night you can park for free after about 7pm really close or often outside in pretty much any street outside of the very centre.  This should prove a pretty useful tip that no-one seems to take advantage, or be aware of.
  

Overall:


Birmingham is definitely a better travel/tourist experience than Liverpool, Manchester or Glasgow.  But it is certainly less of a holiday than say London, Paris or New York (obviously really).

Fresh from the break up of the band Oasis (again), Liam Gallagher is apparently now a fashion designer.  So,
from the faux cool to the faux fashion world he strides.  This is the same guy who for years wore a shabby "Parka" with ridiculous fluff around the edges.  The same guy who doesn't know what a haircut is.  The same guy who whenever you see you want to give him some spare change.

No I won't be buying any of this.  And the comments from his legions of Burberry cap wearing, Tenants Super swilling fans are laughable.  My favourite:

"I’m a big fan of great clothes and have been wearing Gio-Goi a lot but I think Pretty Green could be my new favorite clothing brand!" - Gio-Gio?  Are you joking??

So if you like frowning and still think its 1996 (the last time you were a hit)...then this is the "brand" for you.

Soon to be seen on the great unwashed throughout council estates across Britain...and probably on Kerry Katona.