Sunday, 11 October 2009

Xfactor: what a pile of crap

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Ever wanted to kill yourself?

Have you been close, but just needed something to push you over the edge?

Watch Xfactor.

Mindnumbing, senseless, brain sapping television.  And these are the positives.

If a bigger bunch of sad cases could be gathered in one room it would be called Britains Got No Talent.  I find myself, like most sane people, with my head in my hands.  And who is blame for this?  Simon Cowell?  Steven Gately? Michael Jackson?  Allah?  Who knows..

What I specifically don't understand about these shows, other than the general bullshit, is the blatent fabricated "stories".  Yawn.  And then there's the made up "bickering" amongst the "judges".  I use the term loosely because anyone called Cheryl (a housing estate name) cannot be considered a judge.

Also, and this is my main gripe, is that for a show allegedly looking for mainstream talent, it seeks to sell records to 16 year old girls and considers these kinds of statistics "the greatest".  Give me a break, the only people you are fooling are the morons who buy into this shit.  Alexandra Burke, biggest selling downloaded artist?  Come on, the only thing popular on the internet is porn and funny animal videos.  Xfactor "hit" singles are so shit that people don't even pirate them over Limewire.

And another thing - how come for a singing contest there is so much bad singing even at a later stage??  If you get through this pile of effluence at least have the decency to sing in tune, retard.  Or at least provide the viewer with a "shotgun" feature.  (Though I'd probably use it on myself.)

Here is a guide for anyone wishing to go on the Xfactor:
  1. Suffer a brain injury.  This will make you think that it's firstly a good idea to audition, and secondly it provides you with an emotional story with which to get you through a few rounds.  Either that or kill your parents.  Even I'd vote for an orphan.
  2. White Guys:  Dress like circa 1999 Justin Timberlake and have a "cute" look to impress the female judges and gay male judges.  Sing some bullshit by Robbie Williams or Maroon 5, you fagboy.
  3. White Girls:  You really need to work that Gwen Stefani look.  Stupid leggings and "attitude" are always in, yo, bro, whack.  Sing some bullshit Girls Aloud poor person hit single.  Get your breatiscles out in the Sunday papers...
  4. Black Guys:  Do what the fuck you want, you will be compared to Michael Jackson regardless and will probably end up just scarred for entering this dire competition.  Dress like a white guy, sing something soulful.  You'll get to the latter stages, cry like a wussy pussy and come out as being the biggest fairy in the village.
  5. Black Girls:  Sing Whitney, dress like a white girl, collect your winners record deal and dissapear into the hole that eats up all the other winners.

Suffice to say my recommendation letter for the next series hasn't been responded to just yet.  I'm still waiting Cowell.Reblog this post [with Zemanta]

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