Wednesday, 30 September 2009

The top 10 songs of all genres.

BEING renowned for my fine taste in music, I present the definitive top 10 track listings across all genres (that matter).

No iPOD is complete without the following 200, indisputable, unchallengeable tunes - suitable for all tastes:

Top 10 Rock:

1. Oasis - Rock 'n' Roll Star.
2. Bush - Swallowed
3. Oasis - Morning Glory.
   
4. Bush - Machinehead.
5. Thrice - Artist in the ambulance.
6. Kings of Leon - Wasted time.
7. Elbow - Grounds for divorce.
8. Audioslave - Cochise.
9. Radiohead - Creep.
10. Stereophonics - Performance and cocktails.
    

 

Top 10 Death Metal:

1. Slipknot - Jumpdafuckup.
2. Drowning Pool - Bodies.
3. Trivium - Departure.
4. Slipknot - Duality.
5. Placebo - Nancy boy.
6. Limp Bizkit - Rollin'
7. Muse - Assassin.
8. Bullet For My Valentine - Tears don't fall.
9. Avenged Sevenfold - Sidewinder.
10. Papa Roach - Between angels and insects.
    

Top 10 Dance:

1. ATB - Till I come (9pm).
2. Baby D - I need your loving.
3. Paul Van Dyk - We are alive.
4. Special D - Come with me.
5. Energy 52 - Cafe del mar.
6. Basshunter - I can walk on water...
7. Tiesto - Adagio for strings.
8. Fatboy Slim - Right here, right now.
9. Rui da Silva - Touch me.
10. Platnum - Loveshy.
    

Top 10 Pop:

1. Boyzone - No matter what.
2. Backstreet Boys - Show me the meaning.
3. The Corrs - What can I do.
4. Another Level - Bomb diggy.
5. Robbie Williams - Angels.
6. Backstreet Boys - Want it that way.
7. Alphabeat - Fascination.
8. Janet Jackson - Together again.
9. Lighthouse Family - Lifted.
10. Blue - All rise.
    

Top 10 Classical:

1. Handel - Suite in D Major Hornpipe.
2. JS Bach - Fugue.
3. Puccini - O mio babbino caro.
4. Tchaikovsky - Swam lake scene.
5. Allegri - Miserere mei deus.
6. Debussy - Clair de lune.
7. Elgar - Nimrod.
8. Holst - Jupiter the bringer of jollity.
9. Strauss - Radetzky March.
10. Bizet - Habaera 'L'Amour Est Un Oiseau Rebelle
    

Top 10 Cheesy:

1. Phil Collins - Two hearts.
2. John Legend - Save room.
3. Haddaway - What is love.
4. Barry White - My first, my last.
5. The Saturdays - Just can't get enough.
6. Chris de Burgh - Sailing Away.
7. ABBA - Gimme gimme gimme.
8. Johnny Case - Ring of fire.
9. Mark Morrison - Return of the mack.
10. T-Spoon - Sex on the beach.
    

Top 10 Driving:

1. The Ramones - I wanna be sedated.
2. Cream - Sunshine of your love.
3. Barenaked Ladies - One week.
4. Kings of Leon - Molly's Chambers.
5. Greenday - Minority.
6. Pulp - Common People.
7. Deep Purple - Smoke on the water.
8. Red Hot Chilli Peppers - Snow.
9. Manic Street Preachers - Design for life.
10. Smashing Pumpkins - Tonight, tonight.
    

Top 10 Oldies:

1. Beatles - We can work it out.
2. Elvis Presley - Suspicious minds.
3. The Kinks - You really got me.
4. The Troggs - Love is all around.
5. Dusty Springfield - Wishin' and Hopin'
6. Buddy Holly - All my love.
7. Joy Division - Love will tear us apart.
8. Rolling Stones - Can't get no satisfaction.
9. Buddy Holly - Everyday.
10. Simon and Garfunkel - America.
    

Top 10 RnB:

1. DJ Luck - A little bit of luck.
2. Neyo - So sick.
3. Craig David - Fill me in.
4. Akon - Right now.
5. Sean Paul - Give it up to me.
6. Gym Class Heroes - Cookie Jar.
7. Chris Brown - With you.
8. Taio Cruz - Come on girl.
9. Alison Hinds - Roll it gal.
10. Arquitechs - Body Groove.
    

Top 10 Rap:

1. Ludacris - Rollout.
   
2. Sway - F ur X 
3. OT - Raise your glasses.
4. Groove Armada - Get Down.
5. Kid Cudi - Day and nite.
6. Nas - I can.
7. Chingy - Holidae Inn.
8. Notorous BIG - Big poppa.
9. Dr. Dre - Still Dre.
10. Eminem - The way I am.
    

Top 10 Indie:

1. Kaiserchiefs - Everyday I love you less and less.
2. Keane - This is the last time.
3. Razorlight - Who needs love.
4. The Coral - Dreaming of you.
5. The Kooks - Seaside.
6. Goo Goo Dolls - Broadway.
7. Blur - Parklife.
8. The Futureheads - Hounds of love.
9. Scouting for Girls - It's not about you.
10. Badly Drawn Boy  - Once around the block.
    

Top 10 Forgotten:

1. Hole - Make me over.
2. UB40 - Can't help falling in love with you.
3. Ultra Nate - Free.
4. The Calling - Wherever you will go.
5. Lightning Seeds - Lucifer Sam.
6. The Seahorses - Love is the law.
7. Blur - Song 2.
8. Maximo Park - Apply some pressure.
9. JJ72 - October Swimmer.
   
10. Elbow - On a day like this.
    

Top 10 Chillout:

1. Bob Marley - No woman no cry.
2. Dido - Thank you.
3. Scala - Exit music.
4. Andrea Bocelli - Besame mucho.
5. Scala - Bittersweet symphony.
6. Royksopp - Eple.
7. Nerina Pallot - Sophia.
8. Sam Sparro - Black and Gold.
9. Air - Alone in Kyoto.
10. Alanis Morissette - Ironic.
    

Top 10 Emo:

1. All American Rejects - Move Along.
2. Panic At The Disco - Time to dance.
3. Fall Out Boy - Suger we're going down.
4. Sum 41 - Summer.
5. Blink 182 - Rock show.
6. New Found Glory - Hit or miss.
7. Nofx - Dinosaurs will die.
8. Jimmy Eat World - The middle.
9. Alien Ant Farm - Smooth Criminal.
10. The Offspring - Want you bad.
    

Top 10 Soundtracks:

1. Mozart - The marriage of Figaro (Trading Places). 
2. Russell Watson - Faith of [lol] (Star Trek)
3. Breaking Benjamin - Blow me away. (Halo?)
4. Snow Patrol - Signal Fire (Spiderman 3)
5. Spandau Ballet - True (The Wedding Singer)
6. Maria Mulder - Midnight at the oasis (Lost in Translation)
7. Greenday - Brainstew (Godzilla)
8. Rammstein - Feuer Frei (Triple X)
9. Placebo - Every you every me (Cruel Intentions)
10. Skunk Anansie - Secretly (Cruel Intentions)
    

Top 10 Coooool:

1. Jamiroquai - Just dance.
2. The Fugees - Killing me softly. 
3. Michael Jackson - Beat It. 
4. Will Smith - Miami.
5. Red Hot Chilli Peppers - Californication.
6. Doobie Brothers - Long train running.
7. Madcon - Beggin'
8. Hot Chip - Ready for the floor.
9. Mark Ronson ft. Amy Winehouse - Valerie.
10. Bob Sinclair - World, hold on.
    

Top 10 Funny/Strange:

1. Richard Cheese - Smack my bitch up.
2. Tenacious D - Double team.
3. Tenacious D - Fuck her gently.
4. Rammstein - Amerika.
5. Nofx - My vagina.
6. Electric 6 - Gay bar.
7. Shaggy - Bombastic.
8. Red Nex - Cotton Eye Joe.
9. Peaches - Fuck the pain away.
10. Eminem - Kill you.
    

Top 10 Love:

1. Eric Clapton - Wonderful tonight.
2. Foreigner - I want to know what love is.
3. Tony Braxton - Unbreak my heart.
4. Boyz II Men - I'll make love to you.
5. Andrea Bocelli - Dare to live.
   
6. Muse - Unintended.
7. Damien Rice - 9 Crimes.
8. Eagle Eye Cherry - Save Tonight.
9. Mott The Hoople - All the young dudes.
10. Boyz II Men - End of the road.
    

Top 10 Worst:

1. Eiffel 65 - Blue.  Bludabadee
   
2. Hilary Duff - Anything she does.
3. Petula Clark - Downtown.  eurgh.
4. George Michael - Faith.
5. Babybird - You're gorgeous.
6. James Blunt - painfully bad.
7. Village People. *sigh*
8. Chris Rea - Driving Home For Christmas.
9. Peter and Gordon - Woman.
10. The f*kin Macarana.
    

Top 10 I forgot I liked whilst making this list:

1. REM - Imitation of life.
2. Radiohead - Paranoid Android.
3. Puddle of Mud - Blurry.
4. Manic Street Preachers - Motorcycle emptiness.
5. Goo Goo Dolls - Here is gone.
6. Soilwork - Distance.
7. Underworld - Born slippy.
8. Nofx - Stickin' it in my eye.
9. Soilwork - Stabbing the drama.
10. DJ Quicksilver - Belissima.

I hope this list helps, don't forget to comment if you agree/disagree - and spread this article to your friends!

Keep in mind I came up with this over a couple of evenings of skipping through tracks on Winamp!

If I find anyone copying this to their own blog I'll personally find you and chop your thieving fingers off, whilst playing you must from the "worst" list above.  This took me hours, create your own content! :)

Monday, 28 September 2009

41 free great games if you are bored.

Bored today?  So am I.  Let's solve this problem with 41 of the best free games:

1. Winterballs - Get that pesky wabbit to jump.
2. Ping - This hurts my brain.
3. Chess Horse - "This doesn't look so hard...oh.."
4. Engage and Destroy! - Shooting the French anyone?
5. Train Game - Yes you read right.
6. Doeo - You've not heard?
7. People Bucket - You have to throw them in. :)
8. Bricks? - Not quite sure why I like this...
9. Super Monkey Ball - Title not enough?
10. Shopping Cart Hero - Crackers.
11. Lemmings - I mean, come on!
12. Millionaire - LOTR!  g33k.
13. Orbs - Music timewasting!
14. Deepleap - Frustrating!
15. Love Traffic? - Do a good job.
16. Hide the fart - Self explanatory.
17. White Dwarf - No dwarfs here though.
18. Miniputt - Multiplayer option!
19. Ninjas! = Cool.
20. 1066 - Really HQ game.
21. Effing Hail - Addictive!
22. Like Balls? - Thought so.
23. Dino-Run - Escape the fire!
24. Super-Stacker - Hours of pointless distraction.
25. Nano War - Fun but difficult!
26. Gravitat - Very cool game.
27. Canabalt - Escape (daringly)!
28. KOI2 - Just, well, weird.
29. Coign of Vantage - My eyes!!
30. Flygirl - lol...you decide.
31. Multitask - Damn this game!
32. 1 Level - Cleverer than it looks.
33. Bowman - Hours of fun.
34. Bill Cosby - w.t.f?
35. Scratchpad - Web graffiti.
36. Save bunny - Bizarre.
37. Mansion Impossible? - Nah.
38. Run - This infuriates me...
39. Red Square - Vodka might help.
40. Turret Wars - No list is complete...
41. Airport Madness - This gets hard!
    

So there you have it, hours of your life wasted - all because of me.

You might want to subscribe, follow me or get your friends wasting their time as well.

Saturday, 26 September 2009

Stupid people and their actions.

Ok, prepare for a rant of astronomical proportions. 

1. Who are these idiots who zip files that aren't even that big?  Furthermore, who are these monumental retards who think that zipping into some strange format is acceptable.  I don't care if its open source, stick it up your Ubuntu.
   
2. Who was the clown who came up with the frankly genius
   
   
   
   idea of adding > > > > > to emails as they are forwarded around.  Well done, you clueless nerd, you have successfully not applied any forethought - thus ruining any email that extends itself to more than one reply.  
3. In a similar context, who falls for the Nigerian scam "you've won the Ugandan National Lottery" emails?  Apart from my mother?
4. Rolling on from that - if I ever find the utter douche who really pushed "identity theft" into the public eye, he's a
   
   
   
   dead man.  This evil, Hitleresque figure surely had shares in home office shredding.  I'm surprised I haven't been shredded in my household.
5. The people (I say the word loosely) who walk around with "music" blaring from their mobile phones.  What planet are they on?  None of us want to listen to your heavy bass swamp dwelling music.  And why are they always in a tracksuit?  
6. Ok, I'm a modern guy, but who in their right mind is interested in watching women's football on the TV?  The standard is utter balls (oh the irony), the women are fugly and they kick the ball all wrong.  It's like watching an episode of Will and Grace for 90 minutes, f*cking unbearable.  Some idiot is in charge of this scheduling, and I guarantee he's got a beard and a dog called Percy.
7. Which evil son of a bitch came up with ATM's that charge you to withdraw your own money from?  What an utter
   
   
   cheeky son of a bitch.  However, which yokel from [insert backwater town] presses "Accept Charges" of 15% or more...I mean, come on, engage your brain.
8. Radio station presenters - just shut up and play some music.  No one tunes in for you or your worthless mind numbing "hilarious" banter - we just want to know where we are going to be sat stuck in traffic and the football scores.  You are as far from celebrity as you can imagine, and you are on the radio for a reason - let me remind you - because you hurt our eyes to look at!
9. How come the village idiot always manages to get interviewed on television the one time there's a
   
   
   
   newsworthy story?  I can guarantee that in your town the newscrew will find the inbred family and get their opinion...
10. Who REALLY cares about what browser they use for the internet?  Ok, other than those of us who are hopeless with women and still wonder if they can be as "popular" as that aging (and annoying) Mac guy (Steve Jobs, that's it).  How on
    
    
    
    earth are we supposed to not spend our lives punching people when all we hear are gaylords saying things like "browser wars".  I'll give you a fistwar.
11. Meaningless jargon, cut it out.  Right now.  You are confusing all of our dads with your Twatter accounts, Facefuck's and Myracist.com.  
12. Derren Brown, who is impressively increasing his global stock levels of hate and despise.  Good work sir, good work.  Quickly going the way of David Blaine in making us turn off our televisions...
    

If you needed furher evidence, check out the video of these collective morons:

Some people say I'm angry, others call me biased.  It has even been suggested I rename my blog to "you know what really grinds my gears?"  All I know is that I'm right.

Friday, 25 September 2009

Things that the green / eco community forgets.

 

Tired of these "green" morons?  Everyone is.  Recent data suggests that the whole environmental agenda is orchestrated by Iran, George Bush and Michael Jackson (Who is hiding in the foothills of Afghanistan as we all know).  Regardless, here are a few things that these job seekers protesters overlook or conveniently "forget".

1. More often than not, to wash.
2. Driving that ageing hippy van around is contributing to greenhouse gases more than the [insert human progress] you wish to prevent.
3. The causes of global warming are still being debated by the greatest minds in the world today.  Hang on before you nail you flag to one cause or theory.
4. Your last holiday.  Ride that aircraft you protest about?  One of the lowest contributors to global greenhouse gases....go plug up a cows anus instead.
5. Destroying the countryside by setting up camps.  How green of you.
6. Taking rusty old vessels out to sea to "battle" Japanese whalers.  Burning fuel, polluting the oceans...for what...some Youtube hits.
7. What chemicals are in the dyes that make your hair all of those greens, reds and purples which seem to be permanently in fashion for you guys?  Organic?  Methinks not.
8. We are technically still in an ice age.  Whilst we don't necessarily want the ice caps to melt, it is not to be unexpected, and who is to say prevented?  You blithering idiots.
   
9. Temperature on earth is massively influenced by the oceans and the activity of the Sun.    Not me driving to work and back.  Pay attention during Science at school as well.
   
10. You chose Al Gore as your representative. A man who failed (miserably) to beat George Bush...that pretty much underlines the level of judgement you people apply.
11. Taking every idea that represents any progress, and finding a negative in it ("This car will hit 1,000,000 bees in it's lifetime") - does not mean that you win an argument.  If you had your way we'd all be in huts made of our own hair, sitting doing nothing, being perfectly carbon neutral.  Morons.
    
12. Strong membership?  Actually, it's just a load of students with nothing better to do than drink cider in a field and hold placards.  I know, I've been there for the cider. 
13. Furthermore, these "members" are often ill-informed about their chosen green issue.  And has any group of people ever matched a stereotype so closely: Dull,  vegetarian virgins with bad skin.  
14. Plastic/rubber wristbands to support your cause?  Hmm, did you consider the carbon footprint of producing all this toxic waste that no-one needs?  Didn't think so.  But you casually overlook things like this...but if I have a functional plastic picnic fork...all shit breaks loose.
    
15. I'm completely against needless waste - but this ridiculous crackdown on packaging is counter productive.  Food "spoils" - it is more beneficial to use packets that increase longevity of a product, surely?  But you would know this, what with all that fast food wrapping you guys leave lying around after your protests...
    
16. Nothing against the Prius.  But check out the poisonous contents of that battery.  Soon to be on a rancid waste dump in Western Africa, being leafed through by an orphan child. 
17. Getting a media whore of a celebrity to support your bullshit angers me even more.  Bono and Chris Martin ultimately only care about how many songs they sell.  Wake up to that douche-bags.
18. AND FINALLY.  You will be the first to exterminated when the Alien invasion Hollywood has repeatedly promised us finally happens.  "Trouble makers!"...*zap* 

Wednesday, 23 September 2009

Things that you can never find when you want them.

What is it with things disappearing??

Over a short time I have collated a few things that I've noticed lie around in full view when I don't want them.  BUT when I need them...they are nowhere to be seen.

1. Car keys.  Easily the worst offender.  Never on "the hook" or on the designated "side".  They inevitably turn up in a pair of jeans, the other halfs pockets or inside a household pet.
2. Change.  You can be damn sure that when you have no pockets you will have hundreds of small coins.  But when you need some change for a train ticket, a Coke or to go for a pee - will you be able to find any?  No chance.
3. Milk.  We have litres of the cows finest boobie produce in our house.  However, why is it when I want a cup of tea or some cereals all I find is an empty carton??  Where does it go!
4. Stamps.  Why is it that every drawer, wallet and woman has a little book of stamps?  That is until you need to post a letter.  "Oh I did have one somewhere..." *sigh*
5. Internet.  This is stretching it a bit.  But have you ever lost your internet connection for an hour?  It's the worst.  Even knowing that you will only have penis enlargement emails to read when you re-connect.  But can you find anything to do in the meantime?
   
6. Pens.  They exist to lie around on all surfaces most of the time.  Until you need one.  And then they have all been sucked into some secret, hidden cavern of pens.  This usually occurs when someone on the other end of a phonecall utters the words; "Got a pen?" . . . 
7. Remotes.  Remote controls sit idly all year around.  Until one night, when you just want to recline, relax and flick away at the channels.  "Where's the remote?"  "Who's got the remote??" - and if one more person tells me; "I've just had it, but I don't know where it's got to!"
8. Business Cards.  This isn't an obvious one, but stick with me on this.  You accumulate all manner of these through jobs, handymen etc - but when your heating breaks down, can you find his card amongst the piles?  Can you fc#k.  Sure, you can find all of the pizza delivery/taxi company cards in the whole of the country...but anything you need?  Forget it.
9. ID.  364 days a year you have some form of identification in your wallet/pocket/car glovebox.  But go about your business for these days unchallenged, knowing that when someone does ask for it, it won't be where you left it.
10. Pin number.  That number is in the front of your mind 24/7.  You have to physically resist not shouting it out, but you dare not tell a soul of this magical 4 digit combination to your account.  This is until you come to pay for something...what was that number again?
11. Socks.  Explain this to me.  Socks go into the washing machine as pairs.  Then they come out as odd socks.  Infuriating.
    
12. Glasses.  And no, they aren't on my head.  They spend most of their time on your face, slipping from your nose.  Alas, when you need to read something they are nowhere to be found.  And finding them is an issue, because, well, you are blind afterall!

Overweight? Don't sweat it.

Ok - people are a little porkier these days.  But please, stop buying into these comedy ads you see on the net - "I lost 200 pounds in a week by playing WoW!!!"

These are the ads often accompanied by a picture of a grotesque FATTY- alongside the new, reformed, toned body of someone with maybe the same hair colour as the "before" model.

So I thought, "hey, I could help the people!" - and have come up with some advice for those wanting to achieve a happier, thinner lifestyle:

1. Stop eating BIG food.  If you struggle to pick it up with your podgy piggy fingers, the portion is too large.  This rule does not apply to weak midgets.
   
2. How about not using the mobility scooter today?  You don't have any other disability other than being a lazy, lard-arse.
3. Want to be that person you see on the television who has to have a special coffin made because you're so huge?  Thought not.
4. Get bullied because of your weight?  Great!  Use this as an excuse to run from your teasers each day.
5. Take out a magazine subscription to Men's Health.  Look at all those thin people smiling!  That could be you.  Notice how none of them have crumbs on their clothes or mayo around their mouths.
6. Turn off your computer for a couple of weeks.  There's a place called reality where you can burn calories, meet girls and level up in life!  And this isn't at your mom's house! 
   
7. Sign up for the gym.  Not because you will go, but because that's money you can't spend on chocolate - you greedy bastard.
   
8. Reward yourself with a holiday knowing you will only have to buy one seat on the plane.  

Sunday, 20 September 2009

What they never tell you about THE GYM!

1. Perverts hang out there.  Of both the male and female variety.  Leering at my purt derrière and longing for my youthful looks.
2. You go along, work out a bit, and use it to justify a Big Mac later on.  They want you to do this.  
3. The steam room is a great place to get to know your local swingers.  No she didn't just sit on your lap face by mistake.
   
4. How come the receptionists are always short dumpy lard-arses? They work there all day and night, how don't they manage to fit in 20 minutes in at the end of a shift?
5. Some sweaty mofo will leave his bottom grease on the bike machines for you to absorb.  Always nice.
6. Who has control of the music playlist in gyms?  MC Hammer?
7. Why do people who have protein shakes not just drink them in normal bottles?  Why do they have to use those comedy sized baby bottles?
8. Why does Mr. Beautiful, toned body, perfect hair and tan always work out next to my girlfriend?
9. Why does sweaty, stinking, Fatface McGraw work out next to me.
10. No I don't want to go on the sunbeds.  I live in England, people will realise I've been giving myself all over cancer at the gym for £30 a month.  Plus I don't want to tan my spare tire particularly.
    
11. Why does the cleaner always feel the need to clean the badly frosted glass on the other side when I'm taking a shower?
12. It is not the correct social norm to acknowledge a naked man towelling his Percy.  Please observe this rule.
13. No, I will not lend you, stranger, any of my grooming products.  
14. The gym advert never reflects how you feel after a workout.  Thin and beautiful.  Still podgy and ugly.
15. Your mom will want to join after she finds out there's free tea and coffee.  She will be outraged at the price you pay for said tea and coffee and will go back to reading her book. 
    
16. Your dad will want to join when he hears there's free newspapers, and the chance of seeing hot young women.  He will go back to eating his dinner when you say the women on the poster are not representative of the clientèl.
17. The gym is not a happy place.  It's a place of mental anguish, questionable fashion sense and sweaty handshakes.
18. That gym membership is yours for life.  You just try and cancel that payment plan...
    
19. The in house personal trainers know nothing about nutrition, fitness or anything.  They will be familiar to you as drop outs from your year from school.
20. You will tell everyone you know that you go to a gym regularly.  Truth be told you will not be able to recall the last time you went.
    
21. Your friends will say they want to join this amazing place.  You will panic accordingly.
22. And to conclude.  Eat a little less, move around a bit more - all these gyms might be replaced by something worthwhile.  Though probably just another Starbucks.
    

Friday, 18 September 2009

Sports, that aren't sports.

1.  Volleyball.
Could there be a more pointless sport?  This OLYMPIC game, involves prodding a ball over a net, and allegedly has professional players.  Endorsed by George W. Bush (see above) and played by scantily clad women, these are the only positives I can see in a game requiring zero talent or skill.  I would improve this game instantly by inserting a ticking bomb inside all volleyballs - offering a clear new objective = kill your opponents!  I'd watch.

2. Tennis.

If there was a bigger non-sport, it would be called Space-Tennis.  Because, and it's simple really, this is the game that all the "billy no mates" kids at school would play with their parents at weekends.  This is a sport which allows someone like Andy Murray to be a "success".  The least sportsmanlike looking person since Gordon Brown.  And another Murray comment, how can you be so cocky when you play a game invented to keep princesses entertained in the dark ages?  You aren't mining Uranium with your teeth man, you are batting a furry ball around...jesus.

3. Golf.
Golf is apparently the most popular sport in the world.  That's because most people aren't actually playing, they are walking around the countryside looking for balls.  This is actually called cruising.  The ultimate fat man's sport (hi John Daly), you spend hours of your life wandering between holes. The wrong kind of holes in terms of life's end goals - take a look at yourselves people.  But how to improve this game?  I always think that "hazards" are tame.  I mean, water?  Seriously?  How about a lion creeping in the rough to put some excitement into Tiger Woods' next chip shot...

4. Baseball/Cricket.
Here's one to rile the purists.  Baseball, well is gay.  You see, back in the good old days it was called Rounders.  In fact, in England it still is.  This game is played by girls.  I've thrown cricket in for good measure because there are about 5 people who enjoy going to cricket, for the cricket.  The rest just want to get out of work for 5 days, read a newspaper, drink a beer and occasionally glimpse up from underneath their umbrella.  A game invented by soldiers to eat up months of bored, quiet time served a purpose.  Plus both of these games at the very most involve occasional running, physical effort is a must in sport...surely?  To make things a little more interesting a few simple changes could be made - a choice of balls.  Bouncy, off shaped, made of cheese...I'll leave the ins and outs to the pro's.

 

5. Javelin.
I was all prepared with an anti Javelin rant.  And consider this a one time about turn.  This is a sport, a real sport.  If there is any chance a competitor, bystander, umpire can be impaled in the course of the game - that is the ultimate demonstration of superiority.  However, I do propose a change in the rules.  Furthest away wins?  No, I'd get rid of that right away.  Most dead.  End of.  You could have a sliding scale for which part of the body you hit, small children, animals, mix it up a bit you know...

6.  Darts.

I have no qualms over this games purpose.  Drunk men in pubs, throwing mini javelins into a board for points, man respect and the adoration of their peers.  But an international sporting calendar?  TV coverage?  Are you assuming I have a learning difficulty and don't see what you're doing??  Fat, bearded, smelly guys - ugly, tattooed, scary looking women...not my idea of prime time sporting entertainment.  How to improve this and make it a sport.  How about you "pros" lose that fat gut and make a challenge of hitting that bullseye.  Stand further back, orphans should be made to run across the line of sight, add a bit of excitement and danger to the whole thing.  Oh and blindfolds, they're a must.  

7. Curling.
This "sport" became famous when a few women who looked like my mom won some plastic medals at the "ice rink Olympics" a few years ago.  Since then it has had coverage, mind numbing, coverage.  Any sport that involves polishing the ground in front of a giant puc with a broom is not sport, it's housework.  You've been tricked ladies, the ice rink just wanted extra help around the place.  Now, if there was a polar bear marauding the playing area, that would test your concentration and resolve.  And why can't competitors run ahead of your puc...perhaps with a hairdryer?  I don't know, I'll leave the adaptation of the rules to you guys.

Thursday, 17 September 2009

Videos in magazines = Waste of time.

Oh dear, someone has had a very stupid idea.  Embedding videos into hard copy magazines?  How on earth did this slip through the quality control net?

The problems are plain and simple in my opinion, and someone should be hit with a stick, because to me they are obvious:

1. I am not interested in watching Pepsi adverts - this is not a cool, exciting or innovative feature.  
2. I can watch film/tv trailers on my terms on the web - I have no interest in seeing Ben Affleck's face any more than I have to.
3. Will this move attract readers?  No - in a market that is already diluted this is a poor attempt to revive interest - I'm certainly not drawn to shiny things.  "ou some foil!" *scurries away.
   
4. In an age of consumer "green/carbon" awareness - who was the dimwit that thought mass producing pointless tech waste into the pages of a mag was a good idea?  The recycling argument is pretty poor here because are you going to pull out pages?  This is a logistical nightmare and unmaintainable idea.
5. The screen is embedded into a thicker (cardboard) page.  This page doesn't fold.  You can't get it into your pocket.  In the age of the iPOD - research and development FAIL.
6. The company behind this also has tacky plans to branch into wedding albums...I think that's enough said about this business venture.

What do you think?

Wednesday, 16 September 2009

Worst places to go on holiday. EXPOSED.

There is something wrong with our perception of holiday islands.  The above picture is pretty representative of what, we guys in particular, seem to think is strutting about.

The reality is quite different.  

The following is an honest appraisal of holiday destinations that you should actively avoid.  Take this information, and remember it, it may save your life.  Or at the very least your dignity.

1.  Faliraki, Greece (Rhodes)

 

What to say about Faliraki.  Here is the undeniable truth.

The Faliraki resort is an utter shambles of a place.  It is filthy, run down and full of drunken British morons.

This is the place where the infamous crackdown on Brits abroad started - think back to when a young blonde got arrested at a bar called 'Georges' for getting the twins out.  I actually met the owner who insists to this day that journalists paid her to do it for the cameras.  "Yer, right..."

Regardless, it is a genuine slum of a resort, full of tacky bars, loose women and absolutely shitfaced teenagers.  Drugs and debauchery are rife - a particular highlight for me was walking up the stairs at Bed Club - and passing a girl putting her pants back on.  I'm sure her father would be proud.

Faliraki stands in stark contrast to the 'Old Town' part of the island which fortunately the neanderthols are too coked up to find.

2. Ibiza, (Balearic Islands), Spain.

Ibiza is the biggest yearly gathering of utter douchbags you can imagine on earth.  

I can put this in summary for both guys and girls thinking of going, into two very straighforward sentences:

Guys:  If you want easy sex, with some utter tart from a rundown housing estate, then book your flight.  Herpes free of charge.

Girls:  Are you a fan of expensive alcopops?  Do you say the word "raver" every third sentence?  Want to hook up with a thick as pigshit northern English lad?  Ibiza rocks!  Crack rocks!

 

It is truly full of the type of douchbag as pictured above with his sisters.  If you have ever been to Blackpool, imagine it transported overseas along with the pricks that ruin everyones night out usually.

Ibiza is also notoriously expensive.  Which is unfortunate, because it would be kind of like paying to stay in prison.  A 7 day stop in the land of the gaylords will easily set you back over £1000 in "smirnoff ice" money alone...

 

3. Majorca, (Balearic Island), Spain.

You have to feel sorry for the Spanish really, it's amazing they don't just install an anti aircraft gun at the end of their runways to nail down the Brits on approach.


Majorca is the "family" island.  Errr, travel agents should be fecking shot for this myth.  Majorca is a major destination for the riff raff of most of Europe.  Popular particularly with the Germans and Dutch, there is a totally overlooked influx of Brits intent on wrecking another island for Queen and country.


What's really crap here is the way in which the tourist areas have been allowed to develop.  It's like they have hired someone from downtown Delhi shantytown to design the place.  For all the "old town" appeals etc you are all too close to "Newquay cocaine wkd lager lager" crowd.


Pack a cricket bat and dish out some correction to the drunks.  

 

Enough said about Majorca.

4. Ayia Napa, Cyprus.

In researching this gem of a place I was struggling for an original adjective to fully capture the overall ambience.  But then it came to me.


TRASHY. 


Excuse the following expletive - but Ayia Napa is a shithole of astronomical proportions.  The place, the people - everything.

Add it to the list of destinations where the great unwashed flock to procreate and prop up the alco pop industry.  All this is very strange for an island previously regarded as a premier destination for the over 60's!

You will find the usual suspects, guys with inflated egos, and girls with more penis in them than a LA pornstar would admit.

A quick Google image search produced this gem as the poster girl...

 

5. Malia, Crete. 

Picture a place filled with all of the people who you regard as the biggest bunch of wankers you know.  Chances are they hit the resort of Malia at some point.


Never has a place had such a concentration of douchbaggery since France was discovered.  This is the kind of place where the morning after pill is taken over breakfast, it's a real classy joint.


This has to be the place where Britain's next teenage mothers emerge.  Crap clubs, silly haircuts, moosefaced women.  A nuclear warhead would be too kind on this shit tip.

6.  Zante, (Greek Island)

 

Where to begin.

There are some interesting things to note about Zante.  For the thick as turd pissheads it is listed as a holiday in Zante.  For the more educated, perhaps looking for a nice relaxing holiday it is always sold as Zakynthos.  There is no denying that this place is stunning, but there is one place to avoid on this island at all costs.

LAGANAS.

So why the special mention to this resort (from memory) on the southern tip of the island?  Well for a start, anyone who has stayed for any duration will soon learn its referred to as SLAGanas...for more than obvious reasons.

 

This part of the island is plagued by groups of guys and girls, often with hilarious (...) things written on t-shirts.  You will find yourself stepping over their vomit covered bodies throughout your stay.

For now I will leave the list at that.  You will have noticed some running themes.  Booze, Brits, whorish behavior.  Myself, I just like a holiday on a nice beach, with a cold beer and my hotter than life girlfriend.  Puking into a pint glass in some godforsaken place does not appeal.

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Tuesday, 15 September 2009

Things you should know about London.

I was unfortunate enough to visit London yesterday.

Those that have never been, let me bring you up to speed.

If you live there, you are missing a few things.

1.  Airhead?  You'll fit in:

I have nothing against people having their "look"  but don't ponce around like you are something you are not.  First of all it makes me want to tear at your perfectly formed (emotionless) facial features and then start on that ridiculous "scout me model agency" walk.


Give me, and everyone else who has a brain some space.  


Oxford Street is full of these morons walking up and down in the hope that their vacuous lives can be filled walking around wearing clothes forever!  


Avoid Oxford Street.


2.  It's filthy: 

Big cities can sometimes be dirty.  I understand this, but for a European capital, and one that is so highly regarded - to be SO dirty.


I was particularly taken with the KFC, McDonalds etc wrappers everywhere.  Nice work douchebags!


It's impressive how much litter we can drop and also how many dumps people can take in doorways.

I've had only one worse experience, New York - going to a phonebox only to find it COMPLETELY smothered in human excrement.


You kind of find yourself standing back, admiring the effort that went into not only producing so much poo, but also covering a publicly used object in it.  

But this is mainly reduced whilst you try and stop yourself wretching.


3.  Fashion Capital?  NO ITS NOT!

 

Ok this one is simple - ever been to Milan, Rome, New York - London has a lot to live up to.  Shopping at Topshop doesn't make you cool or original.  

Everyone strops around in the SAME clothes.  It would be quite funny if it wasn't so so bad.

Another thing, the climate is shit.  Just put a jumper on.  This is not Miami.

One more thing, fat girls should cover up those porky midriffs.  Not cool.  You're not a sultry Spanish bombshell.

And another thing - guys in the cheap Ray Bans, hats, neckerchiefs, and skinny purple jeans - do us all a favour and jump off London bridge.

4. WTF How much?

 

London suffers like all tourist centres with rip off food, drink, entertainment etc. 

Unfortunately for anyone unlucky enough to live within 40 miles, is that this seemingly extends without any regard for normal everyday people.

Londoners don't give me that bullshit about earning more, "London bubble" rubbish - the truth is that you are ripped off day and night by your own.

It doesn't need to be so expensive!  Fact of the matter is you are being ripped off in London from everything between your breakfast to filling your car with fuel. 

Londoner's seem to revel in the fact that it is the most expensive, whereas the other 57 million of us who live outside "the big joke" go about our lives paying a normal price for our hookers.

5.  Why is the Underground so hot??

Don't start on me for this one with the "all undergrounds are hot" faux argument.

Let me allow you in on a secret.

The London Underground might be convenient - but it is a miserable, soul destroying experience.  That's not a secret I suppose...

On cold days it's hotter than the devil's sphincter down inside the tube.  How can this be possible?

It's as hot as the tube in Barcelona, and they have sunshine - and I rode the Berlin U-Bahn all summer and didn't experience heat like I do on the London equivalent.

It typical sync with the rest of London, it leaves plenty to be desired. 

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