These are the ads often accompanied by a picture of a grotesque FATTY- alongside the new, reformed, toned body of someone with maybe the same hair colour as the "before" model.
So I thought, "hey, I could help the people!" - and have come up with some advice for those wanting to achieve a happier, thinner lifestyle:
- Stop eating BIG food. If you struggle to pick it up with your podgy piggy fingers, the portion is too large. This rule does not apply to weak midgets.
- How about not using the mobility scooter today? You don't have any other disability other than being a lazy, lard-arse.
- Want to be that person you see on the television who has to have a special coffin made because you're so huge? Thought not.
- Get bullied because of your weight? Great! Use this as an excuse to run from your teasers each day.
- Take out a magazine subscription to Men's Health. Look at all those thin people smiling! That could be you. Notice how none of them have crumbs on their clothes or mayo around their mouths.
- Turn off your computer for a couple of weeks. There's a place called reality where you can burn calories, meet girls and level up in life! And this isn't at your mom's house!
- Sign up for the gym. Not because you will go, but because that's money you can't spend on chocolate - you greedy bastard.
- Reward yourself with a holiday knowing you will only have to buy one seat on the plane.