Sunday, 20 September 2009

What they never tell you about THE GYM!

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  1. Perverts hang out there.  Of both the male and female variety.  Leering at my purt derrière and longing for my youthful looks.
  2. You go along, work out a bit, and use it to justify a Big Mac later on.  They want you to do this.  
  3. The steam room is a great place to get to know your local swingers.  No she didn't just sit on your lap face by mistake.
  4. How come the receptionists are always short dumpy lard-arses? They work there all day and night, how don't they manage to fit in 20 minutes in at the end of a shift?
  5. Some sweaty mofo will leave his bottom grease on the bike machines for you to absorb.  Always nice.
  6. Who has control of the music playlist in gyms?  MC Hammer?
  7. Why do people who have protein shakes not just drink them in normal bottles?  Why do they have to use those comedy sized baby bottles?
  8. Why does Mr. Beautiful, toned body, perfect hair and tan always work out next to my girlfriend?
  9. Why does sweaty, stinking, Fatface McGraw work out next to me.
  10. No I don't want to go on the sunbeds.  I live in England, people will realise I've been giving myself all over cancer at the gym for £30 a month.  Plus I don't want to tan my spare tire particularly.
  11. Why does the cleaner always feel the need to clean the badly frosted glass on the other side when I'm taking a shower?
  12. It is not the correct social norm to acknowledge a naked man towelling his Percy.  Please observe this rule.
  13. No, I will not lend you, stranger, any of my grooming products.  
  14. The gym advert never reflects how you feel after a workout.  Thin and beautiful.  Still podgy and ugly.
  15. Your mom will want to join after she finds out there's free tea and coffee.  She will be outraged at the price you pay for said tea and coffee and will go back to reading her book. 
  16. Your dad will want to join when he hears there's free newspapers, and the chance of seeing hot young women.  He will go back to eating his dinner when you say the women on the poster are not representative of the clientèl.
  17. The gym is not a happy place.  It's a place of mental anguish, questionable fashion sense and sweaty handshakes.
  18. That gym membership is yours for life.  You just try and cancel that payment plan...
  19. The in house personal trainers know nothing about nutrition, fitness or anything.  They will be familiar to you as drop outs from your year from school.
  20. You will tell everyone you know that you go to a gym regularly.  Truth be told you will not be able to recall the last time you went.
  21. Your friends will say they want to join this amazing place.  You will panic accordingly.
  22. And to conclude.  Eat a little less, move around a bit more - all these gyms might be replaced by something worthwhile.  Though probably just another Starbucks.
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