Friday, 18 September 2009

Sports, that aren't sports.

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1.  Volleyball.
Could there be a more pointless sport?  This OLYMPIC game, involves prodding a ball over a net, and allegedly has professional players.  Endorsed by George W. Bush (see above) and played by scantily clad women, these are the only positives I can see in a game requiring zero talent or skill.  I would improve this game instantly by inserting a ticking bomb inside all volleyballs - offering a clear new objective = kill your opponents!  I'd watch.

2. Tennis.
If there was a bigger non-sport, it would be called Space-Tennis.  Because, and it's simple really, this is the game that all the "billy no mates" kids at school would play with their parents at weekends.  This is a sport which allows someone like Andy Murray to be a "success".  The least sportsmanlike looking person since Gordon Brown.  And another Murray comment, how can you be so cocky when you play a game invented to keep princesses entertained in the dark ages?  You aren't mining Uranium with your teeth man, you are batting a furry ball around...jesus.

3. Golf.
Golf is apparently the most popular sport in the world.  That's because most people aren't actually playing, they are walking around the countryside looking for balls.  This is actually called cruising.  The ultimate fat man's sport (hi John Daly), you spend hours of your life wandering between holes. The wrong kind of holes in terms of life's end goals - take a look at yourselves people.  But how to improve this game?  I always think that "hazards" are tame.  I mean, water?  Seriously?  How about a lion creeping in the rough to put some excitement into Tiger Woods' next chip shot...

4. Baseball/Cricket.
Here's one to rile the purists.  Baseball, well is gay.  You see, back in the good old days it was called Rounders.  In fact, in England it still is.  This game is played by girls.  I've thrown cricket in for good measure because there are about 5 people who enjoy going to cricket, for the cricket.  The rest just want to get out of work for 5 days, read a newspaper, drink a beer and occasionally glimpse up from underneath their umbrella.  A game invented by soldiers to eat up months of bored, quiet time served a purpose.  Plus both of these games at the very most involve occasional running, physical effort is a must in sport...surely?  To make things a little more interesting a few simple changes could be made - a choice of balls.  Bouncy, off shaped, made of cheese...I'll leave the ins and outs to the pro's.


5. Javelin.
I was all prepared with an anti Javelin rant.  And consider this a one time about turn.  This is a sport, a real sport.  If there is any chance a competitor, bystander, umpire can be impaled in the course of the game - that is the ultimate demonstration of superiority.  However, I do propose a change in the rules.  Furthest away wins?  No, I'd get rid of that right away.  Most dead.  End of.  You could have a sliding scale for which part of the body you hit, small children, animals, mix it up a bit you know...

6.  Darts.
I have no qualms over this games purpose.  Drunk men in pubs, throwing mini javelins into a board for points, man respect and the adoration of their peers.  But an international sporting calendar?  TV coverage?  Are you assuming I have a learning difficulty and don't see what you're doing??  Fat, bearded, smelly guys - ugly, tattooed, scary looking women...not my idea of prime time sporting entertainment.  How to improve this and make it a sport.  How about you "pros" lose that fat gut and make a challenge of hitting that bullseye.  Stand further back, orphans should be made to run across the line of sight, add a bit of excitement and danger to the whole thing.  Oh and blindfolds, they're a must.  

7. Curling.
This "sport" became famous when a few women who looked like my mom won some plastic medals at the "ice rink Olympics" a few years ago.  Since then it has had coverage, mind numbing, coverage.  Any sport that involves polishing the ground in front of a giant puc with a broom is not sport, it's housework.  You've been tricked ladies, the ice rink just wanted extra help around the place.  Now, if there was a polar bear marauding the playing area, that would test your concentration and resolve.  And why can't competitors run ahead of your puc...perhaps with a hairdryer?  I don't know, I'll leave the adaptation of the rules to you guys.
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