The reality is quite different.
The following is an honest appraisal of holiday destinations that you should actively avoid. Take this information, and remember it, it may save your life. Or at the very least your dignity.
1. Faliraki, Greece (Rhodes)
What to say about Faliraki. Here is the undeniable truth.
The Faliraki resort is an utter shambles of a place. It is filthy, run down and full of drunken British morons.
This is the place where the infamous crackdown on Brits abroad started - think back to when a young blonde got arrested at a bar called 'Georges' for getting the twins out. I actually met the owner who insists to this day that journalists paid her to do it for the cameras. "Yer, right..."
Regardless, it is a genuine slum of a resort, full of tacky bars, loose women and absolutely shitfaced teenagers. Drugs and debauchery are rife - a particular highlight for me was walking up the stairs at Bed Club - and passing a girl putting her pants back on. I'm sure her father would be proud.
Faliraki stands in stark contrast to the 'Old Town' part of the island which fortunately the neanderthols are too coked up to find.
2. Ibiza, (Balearic Islands), Spain.
Ibiza is the biggest yearly gathering of utter douchbags you can imagine on earth.
I can put this in summary for both guys and girls thinking of going, into two very straighforward sentences:
Guys: If you want easy sex, with some utter tart from a rundown housing estate, then book your flight. Herpes free of charge.
Girls: Are you a fan of expensive alcopops? Do you say the word "raver" every third sentence? Want to hook up with a thick as pigshit northern English lad? Ibiza rocks! Crack rocks!
It is truly full of the type of douchbag as pictured above with his sisters. If you have ever been to Blackpool, imagine it transported overseas along with the pricks that ruin everyones night out usually.
Ibiza is also notoriously expensive. Which is unfortunate, because it would be kind of like paying to stay in prison. A 7 day stop in the land of the gaylords will easily set you back over £1000 in "smirnoff ice" money alone...
You have to feel sorry for the Spanish really, it's amazing they don't just install an anti aircraft gun at the end of their runways to nail down the Brits on approach.
Majorca is the "family" island. Errr, travel agents should be fecking shot for this myth. Majorca is a major destination for the riff raff of most of Europe. Popular particularly with the Germans and Dutch, there is a totally overlooked influx of Brits intent on wrecking another island for Queen and country.
What's really crap here is the way in which the tourist areas have been allowed to develop. It's like they have hired someone from downtown Delhi shantytown to design the place. For all the "old town" appeals etc you are all too close to "Newquay cocaine wkd lager lager" crowd.
Pack a cricket bat and dish out some correction to the drunks.
Enough said about Majorca.
4. Ayia Napa, Cyprus.
In researching this gem of a place I was struggling for an original adjective to fully capture the overall ambience. But then it came to me.
Excuse the following expletive - but Ayia Napa is a shithole of astronomical proportions. The place, the people - everything.
Add it to the list of destinations where the great unwashed flock to procreate and prop up the alco pop industry. All this is very strange for an island previously regarded as a premier destination for the over 60's!
You will find the usual suspects, guys with inflated egos, and girls with more penis in them than a LA pornstar would admit.
A quick Google image search produced this gem as the poster girl...
5. Malia, Crete.
Picture a place filled with all of the people who you regard as the biggest bunch of wankers you know. Chances are they hit the resort of Malia at some point.
Never has a place had such a concentration of douchbaggery since France was discovered. This is the kind of place where the morning after pill is taken over breakfast, it's a real classy joint.
This has to be the place where Britain's next teenage mothers emerge. Crap clubs, silly haircuts, moosefaced women. A nuclear warhead would be too kind on this shit tip.
6. Zante, (Greek Island)
Where to begin.
There are some interesting things to note about Zante. For the thick as turd pissheads it is listed as a holiday in Zante. For the more educated, perhaps looking for a nice relaxing holiday it is always sold as Zakynthos. There is no denying that this place is stunning, but there is one place to avoid on this island at all costs.
So why the special mention to this resort (from memory) on the southern tip of the island? Well for a start, anyone who has stayed for any duration will soon learn its referred to as SLAGanas...for more than obvious reasons.
This part of the island is plagued by groups of guys and girls, often with hilarious (...) things written on t-shirts. You will find yourself stepping over their vomit covered bodies throughout your stay.
For now I will leave the list at that. You will have noticed some running themes. Booze, Brits, whorish behavior. Myself, I just like a holiday on a nice beach, with a cold beer and my hotter than life girlfriend. Puking into a pint glass in some godforsaken place does not appeal.
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