Those that have never been, let me bring you up to speed.
If you live there, you are missing a few things.
1. Airhead? You'll fit in:
I have nothing against people having their "look" but don't ponce around like you are something you are not. First of all it makes me want to tear at your perfectly formed (emotionless) facial features and then start on that ridiculous "scout me model agency" walk.
Give me, and everyone else who has a brain some space.
Oxford Street is full of these morons walking up and down in the hope that their vacuous lives can be filled walking around wearing clothes forever!
Avoid Oxford Street.
2. It's filthy:
Big cities can sometimes be dirty. I understand this, but for a European capital, and one that is so highly regarded - to be SO dirty.
I was particularly taken with the KFC, McDonalds etc wrappers everywhere. Nice work douchebags!
It's impressive how much litter we can drop and also how many dumps people can take in doorways.
I've had only one worse experience, New York - going to a phonebox only to find it COMPLETELY smothered in human excrement.
You kind of find yourself standing back, admiring the effort that went into not only producing so much poo, but also covering a publicly used object in it.
But this is mainly reduced whilst you try and stop yourself wretching.
3. Fashion Capital? NO ITS NOT!
Ok this one is simple - ever been to Milan, Rome, New York - London has a lot to live up to. Shopping at Topshop doesn't make you cool or original.
Everyone strops around in the SAME clothes. It would be quite funny if it wasn't so so bad.
Another thing, the climate is shit. Just put a jumper on. This is not Miami.
One more thing, fat girls should cover up those porky midriffs. Not cool. You're not a sultry Spanish bombshell.
And another thing - guys in the cheap Ray Bans, hats, neckerchiefs, and skinny purple jeans - do us all a favour and jump off London bridge.
4. WTF How much?
London suffers like all tourist centres with rip off food, drink, entertainment etc.
Unfortunately for anyone unlucky enough to live within 40 miles, is that this seemingly extends without any regard for normal everyday people.
Londoners don't give me that bullshit about earning more, "London bubble" rubbish - the truth is that you are ripped off day and night by your own.
It doesn't need to be so expensive! Fact of the matter is you are being ripped off in London from everything between your breakfast to filling your car with fuel.
Londoner's seem to revel in the fact that it is the most expensive, whereas the other 57 million of us who live outside "the big joke" go about our lives paying a normal price for our hookers.
5. Why is the Underground so hot??
Don't start on me for this one with the "all undergrounds are hot" faux argument.
Let me allow you in on a secret.
The London Underground might be convenient - but it is a miserable, soul destroying experience. That's not a secret I suppose...
On cold days it's hotter than the devil's sphincter down inside the tube. How can this be possible?
It's as hot as the tube in Barcelona, and they have sunshine - and I rode the Berlin U-Bahn all summer and didn't experience heat like I do on the London equivalent.
Spread these monumental words of truth:
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