England, Britain, United Kingdom.  Call it what you will - but be sure to learn the difference!  What are the best things to see, where should you travel, what do you need and what to expect from your holiday:

1.  Driving - The whole island has a fantastic road network that is virtually entirely free (a couple of tolls bridges/roads here and there).  Whilst congested around major public holidays and at rush hours around inner cities like anywhere, you can get from A to B by car very easily.  The development of the roads in the 1950'60's came to the detriment of other transport networks, notably the Railways which are now plagued by reliability issues.  This makes car hire a must, giving you both the freedom to explore and make the most from your trip.


2.  Buy An Umbrella - Without wanting to put a dampener on things, outside of the "summer" months in July/August there will be days when it rains.  Be like the locals and stick a cheap compact umbrella in your bag, or if hiring a car you can truly be a native with a large stowed golf umbrella! So choose best months of come.

3.  Black Cabs - These are notorious for charging passengers more.  So if you're looking to save some cash or not waste your cash then calling a private taxi firm will do the trick.  Black cabs are prevalent in most parts of the country, but you will pay a premium.  Journeys of anything over a few miles will become very expensive in any respect, and you should consider alternative means of transport.  If negotiating distances such as those London and Edinburgh, opt for air travel - or car hire is again a more economical option.

4.  Rarely Tip - It's not that we natives are cheap (arguable), it's just not embedded into the mainstream culture.  Outside of decent restaurants and perhaps a handful of other places, tipping is not the norm.  If you feel you get great service then by all means tip, but the recipient will often be quite surprised.  The isles are pretty much in reverse to North America and continental Europe in this respect, where tipping is very much the norm.  On the other side of the coin, this is perhaps 10% you don't need to factor into your travel budget!


6.  Drinking - Friday/Saturday nights are big social affairs, and whilst this can bring its own problems the UK has some of the best restaurants, pubs and clubs in the world.  Guys be prepared to embrace pints (567ml) of beer, cider, bitter etc, ladies beware that glasses of wine come large as standard.  In mainstream chain pubs you can get all popular international and domestic brands.  In traditional, freehold or country pubs you will find more regional brews that should be sampled over any mass produced offerings.  The Good Pub Guide is a leading authority on such matters.  Clubs are generally the place to drink spirits and cocktails of varying quality, wholly dependant upon the venue.




7.  Eating - Despite the faux rumours about British food, it is much improved, particularly in England.  Most cities can now boast many top restaurants.  That said, the UK lags noticeably behind other European nations in terms of quality and value of food.  Traditional roasts (eaten on a Sunday), as well as regional dishes depending upon where you are staying are always a safe bet.  Aside from this there is no shortage of multi-national fast food for the budget crowd, and the ever popular fish and chips are available virtually everywhere with regional variations.

8.  Travel by Air - The worlds largest airline Ryanair are based in Ireland and operate from most UK airports.  This is the cheapest and most efficient way to see other parts of Europe and major UK cities.  The UK's regional airports are numerous, easy to access (Heathrow aside) and often overlooked.  Booking in advance is often the key as prices escalate nearer the date and as seats become fewer.

9.  Dialects - Think you won't need a phrasebook?  Think again.  The UK is home to not only more than one language, but also many locally entrenched local dialects.  The Birmingham, Newcastle, Welsh and Yorkshire accents should prove interesting, if occasionally a challenge for any newcomer.

10.  Shop Around - The inhabitants refer to the high price of most products as "Rip off Britain".  Don't be tempted by needless spending and waste your cash, which can be easily done in London around tourist areas.  In fact London is an inflation bubble in its own right, and should you make it outside, your wallet will thank you.  Shopping around for food is easily done and often ultra competitive anyway, but make sure you have researched your hotel online so you're getting the best deal - as almost all hotels charge more at the counter for "walk ins".

I hope this helps you during your stay!

I was unfortunate enough to visit London yesterday.

Those that have never been, let me bring you up to speed.

If you live there, you are missing a few things.

1.  Airhead?  You'll fit in:


I have nothing against people having their "look"  but don't ponce around like you are something you are not.  First of all it makes me want to tear at your perfectly formed (emotionless) facial features and then start on that ridiculous "scout me model agency" walk.


Give me, and everyone else who has a brain some space.  


Oxford Street is full of these morons walking up and down in the hope that their vacuous lives can be filled walking around wearing clothes forever!  


Avoid Oxford Street.


2.  It's filthy: 


Big cities can sometimes be dirty.  I understand this, but for a European capital, and one that is so highly regarded - to be SO dirty.


I was particularly taken with the KFC, McDonalds etc wrappers everywhere.  Nice work douchebags!


It's impressive how much litter we can drop and also how many dumps people can take in doorways.

I've had only one worse experience, New York - going to a phonebox only to find it COMPLETELY smothered in human excrement.


You kind of find yourself standing back, admiring the effort that went into not only producing so much poo, but also covering a publicly used object in it.  

But this is mainly reduced whilst you try and stop yourself wretching.


3.  Fashion Capital?  NO ITS NOT!

It typical sync with the rest of London, it leaves plenty to be desired. 

Spread these monumental words of truth:


Comments below please:

Image by jambo13 via Flickr

It has been with great amusement over the past ten days or so that I watch the whole of the UK grind to a halt on several occasions, often due to no more than the mention of snow! The media coverage accompanying this cold snap has been nothing short of that of natural disaster. This next piece is not so much a rant for a change, more of an bizarre look at how we British find the worst in everything.

For example, to demonstrate some of the hysteria caused by some frozen water, take a look at a few of these titles from various news websites from the past week:

• Aerial video of snow chaos
• Snow-crazed stoat 'goes berserk'
• Devon praised for snow operation but lose £40 million in business
• 'Snow panic' cost region millions
• Snow and ice cause travel havoc across the UK
• Calls for calm as snow showers return
• Health and safety was key to school snow closures
• Death-trap fear as salt runs low
• Roads abandoned as death traps as salt shortage hits crisis levels
• Low temperatures prompt ice alert
• UK Government widens the search for salt
• Salt mines stretched to the limit as council stocks start to run low
• Johnson praises 'heroic' transport efforts after snow
• 'Buckling' Britain warned: be ready for more snow

Am I the only one with a smirk on my face when I see and read stories like this? It amuses me greatly to think of the person whose job it is to make the call that "stretches salt mines to the limit" or to make the plea for "calm" now that "snow panic" has set in. There have been a couple of deaths, but they were unfortunate tragedies as opposed to say the wildfires that have swept Australia this week. It is worth mentioning at this point that the genuine natural disaster there that has killed over 100 already has received disgracefully minimal airtime when compared to a few flakes of snow here. In fact it is rather embarrassing to say that the mainstream media would rather tell us about how Worcestershire County Council is using table salt to grit roads than any pressing issues going on at home or abroad. Regional BBC news has a lot to answer for.

However, a particularly good piece of sport that I do thank the media for showing us is that of people delayed/stranded at airports after snowfall. The scenario will often go as follows;

Red eyed, insomniac who has slept on their duffel coat and rucksack is interviewed by keen local journalist at some backwater local airport. You know the kind that has the words "International" after its name (Southampton, Leeds-Bradford, Coventry airports etc), but only fly routes to Riga/Malaga/Kos during the summer months. I digress. The sleep deprived individual will then recount a tale of horror, no customer service, 36 hours sleeping in the aisles of Tie Rack only to be told that their flight to Aarhus has been cancelled. They will then proceed to say how their children have been affected and how they will never fly Ryanair again. "Fuck the dense fog, inches of snow and black ice on the taxiway, I'm being inconvenienced! I'm outraged!"

I know I am not the only one who thinks they should designate an aeroplane in these situations, for those who think it is safe to attempt a take off in less than desirable conditions, let them board, and see how it goes. Their risk. If it were to crash, then we would be rid of some of the most profound whiners this island has. Myself included perhaps! Seriously though, who travels to an airport when it is snowing and expects there to be no impact upon their journey? Furthermore, who travels to a field in the East Midlands to their "International Airport" and are surprised that their snow plough is a man with a shovel and a hair-dryer peddling up and down the runway? I do admire the clutching at straws and finger pointing that goes on, because as we all know, the airlines do control the weather.

Which brings me to a fine piece of observation by a Swedish journalist who writes for the Independent here. She cannot fathom our un-preparedness for the snow which falls every year, in varying quantities, our surprise at it happening, and the horror stories we recount to each other of our attempts to travel around conducting our day to day business. Whilst I do recommend you read the quite brief article in full a few highlights include;

"After listening to colleagues compare their commuter journeys like battle-scarred veterans, all I could think was "It's only water"."
"we [Swedish] don't wear heels, trainers or leather jackets if the streets are covered with snow and the temperature has dropped below zero."
"All cars in Sweden have an ice scraper in the glove compartment – it beats trying to use your bank card and ending up both cold and cashless for the day."
"I remember fondly riding my bike to school in a foot or two of snow as it was the only time of the year I could make impressive skids, or building igloos in the big piles of snow created by the snowploughs."
"It's worrying that my landline and mobile phone are not working properly, and that emergency services are severely limited and hospitals are cancelling operations due to the snow. But, what worries me most is that, if it gets any worse, I'll be stuck on this island."

And these are things that I think we should all reflect upon! Some snow falls, and London must have been the only place in the world that would shut its UNDERGROUND TUBE system. I almost smothered myself under the duvet and drowned in my hot cup of tea when I heard that news report.

It is truly bonkers, and you can see why it amuses but makes no sense to an outsider from a country where they get genuine sustained snow, not this fly by night stuff that frankly even Rwanda could probably deal with better.

For fear of making this personal I must make reference to my Uncle's street in Berlin, Germany. It is on the outskirts on the old east side of the city, fairly rural - a very small town feel. For 3 months of the year the road is frozen over. Yet everyone goes to work, gets on with life, gets a bit chilly but nobody dies. In fact it is so much a non issue, as I'm from the UK I'm probably the only one who remarks to them that it must be so much hassle to drive etc. Naturally I get bemused looks from my German aunt and a shrug from my English Uncle who has become accustomed to snow and ice in his street and the British way of not being able to deal with its presence.

So, I am off to take the advice of seemingly every news agency in the UK and "brace" myself for another "major snowstorm". If I lived in a house made of straw, with no central heating, with no roof and no tea making facilities I might just be concerned. Fortunately I have a fully functioning kettle, a warm bed and a mute button on the television so that I can no longer be conned into thinking the world is ending. Because when I look outside, walk with my fiancée and drive around it all looks rather nice.

So to cheer up all of you miserable buggers, some funny snow themed pictures with an over-riding and wholly unintentional animal theme:








And finally, Flight 105 from Doncaster International Airport makes an unscheduled stop en route to Marbella. Passengers said to be outraged by the delay: