I drive perfectly, this is an indisputable fact.
  
The sad truth is that some of you out there think that the following is acceptable driving.  Consider this social correction, please take note:


1.  Distracted drivers:

Whilst this list is in no particular order or annoyance - people who get behind the wheel and seem to do everything other than drive their crappy car properly are amongst the worst.

Whilst I don't want to single you ladies out particularly (I do really) - I have a few observations.

• Stop playing with your fecking hair - I'm sick of watching you weave all over the place as you re-do your hair in front of me.  You did it five minutes ago back at the house, there is no wind in the car, why the need to touch it, run your hands through it, ferret in the glovebox for products?  You deserve to crash.
• That SMS message you are trying to send does nothing for your driving skills.  You might think that organising the next time you can be a skank is important, but not when I'm behind you with meaningful things to do with my day whilst you are intent on killing everyone around you with your crass stupidity.  This REALLY annoys me.
• Stop talking to your friends next to you or on the backseat.  Also it is not appropriate to crane your neck to face the person in the back and talk to them whilst travelling forwards.  I mean, how dumb are you, there is actually a mirror ffs!  This is one thing that guys are not guilty of, because firstly we don't feel the need to chat shit to our friends all of the time, plus driving is a manly experience to be enjoying oil and metal combining - discussion on its manlyness takes place later, at a woodcutting or bear wrestling event.
  

2.  Middle lane drivers.


For a such a widespread problem, I don't know why a large sweeping device has not been invented to move you terrible drivers to the inside lane.

This is an international problem, lanes of wide open road, get the hell over - what does creeping along in the middle of it achieve - ah yes, annoying the rest of the normal two legged, two eyed folk going about their business.

The only reassuring fact is that this is probably one of the most dangerous ways to drive, sooner or later these cretins will be hit at high speed, penetrated from the rear and they will no longer exist - bonus!

Both men and women are guilty of this - the women will be nervous drivers, congratualting themselves for making it out of the "slow" lane for the first time.  They are naturally oblvious to the actual purpose of these overtaking lanes and the fact that they ARE the slow lane.  The guys in this lane are the penises who enjoy making peoples life a misery, probably work in a library and are on their way to a Dungeons and Dragons convention somewhere.

It's simple people, get the hell over or expect me to fit the flamethrower to the front of my car.  (I drive a tank.)

3.  Up your arse drivers.

Otherwise referred to as tailgating, this has to be one of the premier annoyances on roads today - especially to an amazing driver like me. 

This brand of driver is very rarely female, it is almost always some self important prick in a BMW.  BMW drivers all work for marketing and sales companies, wear cheap suits, have ugly wives and all cannot drive.  He will be fat, have a Bluetooth earpiece for when his mother calls and you will always want to stop your car and punch him until he begs for mercy.

They seem to think that their vehicles are high performance - when all they are driving are big engined saloons, guzzling gas and trying their best to push people out of the way - all to get one car further along the road.  Well this will be tolerated no more, not in my world.

I invite you to take up the popular game of slowing down, waving and then watch the irate behaviour in the car behind set it.  They will inevitably try and undertake, this is a common fault of these particular douchbags - to further remind them who is top of the food chain speed up again, closing any gap they are looking for.  Then another casual wave will suffice.  This I find, goes down a treat.

4.  Bad parking.
This is a not funny.  Think of all the times you have needed a space and some clown has managed to fill two with their push bike.  Hilarious?  Not really.

Ladies - why do you panic about parking so much?  Take a few seconds, judge the fecking gap and put the hunk of metal you can allegedly drive into it.  If you can't do it first time, try again, don't leave what looks like a carcrash for the rest of us to roll our eyes at.

Guys, don't you remember how impressive it was how your dad/uncle/brother would swing into a space flawlessly each time, first time.  Much to the scorn of your mother/sister/aunt?  Why are we all of a sudden thinking it's cool to just dump our vehicles?  We are not afflicted with "women" nerves, but we are struck down by regular bouts of lazydouchbaggery.  Park your GOD DAMN car between the lines and become a man.

5.  Weaving in traffic.
There should be a button installed on every vehicle that makes it explode if you start weaving between lanes in traffic queues.

The reason is simple - and this is to you, you complete morons who think you are getting further along - YOU ARE CAUSING THE TRAFFIC TO GRIND TO A HALT!

Worst offenders, self important nobodies in their financed to the eyeballs gaydarmobiles - BMW, cheap Mercedes and Audi fanboys.  Van drivers, get to the back of the queue scumbag.  And boy racers, get the shitty Punto/Corsa out of my sight.

You achieve nothing by cutting across the lanes of traffic that just happen to be moving at that moment, stopping 50 metres later and indicating back into my now moving lane.  I will NEVER let you in, it is my duty to socially correct you.  No matter how much you wave your baseball cap at me, no matter how hard you shake your small deformed brain about your tiny neanderthol skull - YOU SHALL NOT PASS!

I'm going for a drive.

Do you know people who fall into any of these catagories?  Share this article with them and end your friendship:


Don't forget to give me a thumbs up on stumbleupon.  The most I can manage is an appreciative "frown" back - it's my nature, sorry. 

Comments (soon to be renamed 'Complaints') below as usual please.

And more ramblings can be found in the right hand pane - enjoy your weekends people, drive better or feel my wrath.