A guide for all brave travellers - what to expect in the UK!


1.  CHAVS.

Need I go into great detail or does the photo not do this point justice?

Lager swilling, thick as two short skanks, polyester wearing morons.

Often found roaming the plains of run down housing estates, crappy pubs and clubs.

Will be found accompanied by a greasy haired girlfriend, and a dog.  It's usually hard to tell which is which.

Popular names include;  Dwayne, Jarol, Darren, Chantelle, Candice, Anton....you get the idea.

2.  YOUNG STUPID TARTS.

Most men will I imagine will think this is turning into a great post.  Well think again.

The UK is plagued by stupid, peroxide, made up dolls.

Lovely to look at?  Until you get close.

Following years of reality television, most of the UK's skanks genuinely believe themselves to be gorgeous and irresistible to the masses.  Their bodies are STI goldmines guys.

Their favourite attire is often just a belt covering their fanjita, which gives easy access for the Chav they picked up in the club earlier that night.

High pitched voices, and hollow skulls, not the kind of thing you take home to mommy.

3.  BAD FOOD AND DRINK.

Can a picture say so much?

I don't know what's happened to our brewing industry.  But it has been taken over by fecking morons intent on turning everything florescent.

The UK has a major alcohol problem.  So much so that everyone talks about how much the UK drinks.  The newspapers regularly compare how much each European country drinks (we are always second to the Czechs) - but it is like some badge of honour.  It's bizarre!

Go into an inner city on a Saturday night.  It's great.  Swimming through pools of vomit, getting punched by chavs and seeing the stupid young tarts with their lady lettuces flapping in the breeze.  Sufuckingperb.

And then there is our cuisine.  Nowhere does it worse (ok perhaps the US).

Everyone knows our food is bad, but throw into the mixer the continued influx of American fast food colonisation.  We are turning into some genuinely fatties over here.  It's no wonder we get floods, our island is sinking.

Which brings me to my number 4...

4.  GROWING POPULATION.

Where to begin.  I'm told we were once a fit nation.  I do not know what has happened.

You walk down the street and you now see people on mobility scooters.  Not because of a disability, but because they stuff their piggy hands into little bags of saturated fat all day long.

They just hang around the place, stinking and making the ground shake as they move from one grazing ground to another.  I cannot put into words how bad it is getting.

And it's spreading.  When did it become socially acceptable to be morbidly obese?

If there was a really drunk man would you give him beer?  If he was really fecking huge would you give him a cake?  Give me a break.  (resisted the Kit-Kat joke there).

It's affecting everyone in the UK, government (Gordon Brown, get jogging buddy.) celebrities (Kerry 'wader' Katona, Peter Kay, Michelle McManus still knocking around? Not really a celeb but she was a hungry girl...).  Notable mention to Stephen Fry for losing 6 stone - proving undenaibly that the man is a god and has his finger on the pulse through nothing other than being on my wavelength.

My prediction is clear in my mind.  In ten years, physical education will be replaced with an hour at school for kids to do nothing other than eat.  Oh wait...

5. CELEBRITY CULTURE.


The UK is celebrity mad.  And by the UK I mean the imbeciles that buy magazine after magazine of the same photos of the same no-mark wannabes.

Should you visit, or even if you live on this godawful island, next time you buy a newspaper look around at the heaps of steaming glossy effluence around you.

Hundreds of gleaming, smiling faces, all proclaiming something sleazy about someone else you couldn't give two ferret farts about.

It's bordering on the insane - Jade Goody being a prime example.  A complete nobody, in life and in death.

This is kind of a faux point as none of the people guilty of making me want to commit homicide are actually celebrities, and this is what makes me sleep at night whilst they wonder how much coke they need to snort in order to make page 8 of Heat magazine.

6. HOLIDAYS.

The above is the greatest experience anyone has ever had on holiday anywhere in the United Kingdom.

I long for it to rain, be overcast and to be stuck in a god-awful caravan park.  Yes, they had it lucky.

The UK cannot do holidays.  The reasons are simple.

We have a terrible, spiteful, miserable, soul destroying climate.  Do not let anyone tell you otherwise, just when you think it cannot get any worse it will rain, acid.

And we do not have any kind of service culture as found in the Mediterranean, US etc.  It is service with a frown, crap food, suicidally motivating "entertainment" and people in bloody red jackets.

There is no fun in a UK holiday, go somewhere else where you won't need to go on another pleasurable trip somewhere warm and exciting afterwards to get over the outright disappointment.


7.  COLLECTIVE HATRED.

A little known fact for all those not from these fair isles.

Everyone hates each other.  I was thinking about it in terms of country to country.  But it's pretty much region to region.

Perhaps its just jealousy.  The Scottish are jealous of everyone (they have no teeth and are all like Braveheart) and are often in the midst of some festering alcohol dependency.  The Irish who still loathe the fact everyone has trouble understanding their strange made up language - they speak as though in recovery from a mild stroke.

The fact of the matter is that everyone not English is just a little big angry because they aren't.  And the English just don't understand what's wrong with these strange folks from the colonies.

Oh and nobody takes a blind bit of notice of the Welsh since they were given their own community hall to sort out their sheep related business in.

In summation, everyone hates each other, for no more complicated reason than deep rooted historical arguments that no one even remembers.   Long may it continue.


8.  POLITICAL APATHY.

And is it any wonder.

Let's take a look shall we...

The politicians in my living memory have presided over more scandal, be it expenses, sex or general douchbaggery than....well more than Britney Spears has had children taken from her custody.

It is a genuine joke.  It is absolutely no surprise that all of about 8 old geriatrics bother to vote.  And they were in the community hall on polling day for bingo, but were just confused.

Politicians are good for one thing, and that is selling newspapers about their latest gay cruises in the parks of London.  Fagtastic.  Grindtastic even.

I was going to write something really inspiring, to re-ignite the bedrock of modern democracy, but thought better of it as my hatred for all things UK politics right now still boils within me!

At least we don't have Obama though.  Having someone with drive, direction and dignity?  That just won't do!

We will have Peter Mandelson instead.

9. PUBLIC TRANSPORT.

Ah yes, in the UK this doesn't work.  It's broken.  Kuput.  Funtionert nicht.

It seems that in the design, planning and implementation stages of our bus, rail and underground networks we let a whole bunch of completely retarded people take control.

Because as any native will testify, its as reliable as a Zimbabwean election result.

It is a fairly simple set of problems really.  All modes of transport seem to be barred from coming on time or bare any correlation to a timetable.  There is frequent use of the word "around" on timetables lately I notice.  "This bus comes around every 20 minutes."  The German's would not stand for this. 

Furthermore, it is impressive how the bus and train manufacturers designed them to retain a pleasing odour of fart and faeces.  It is appreciated by all, my compliments to the retention built into the fabric by the makers.

Overall it is a miserable experience day and night for millions within the UK, compounded by the fact that the operators have the unbelievable nerve to charge their passengers.


10.  TEETH.

I mean what the hell are we playing at?

It really winds me up when I see on the TV, Internet etc foreigners taking the piss out of teeth in the UK. And then I sat back and thought about it...and aside from me...everyone's dentistry is abysmal.

This is the test I used;  UK friends, play along.  Think of 5 people you know, I bet 3 have shitty teeth!

Our dentists get paid in gold, ivory and expensive hookers and still our teeth are rubbish.  They do piss all when you go, look at a chart and manage to bill you for their time.  Upon considering this further I put it down to the fact that they must be correcting all the horrendous problems put before them each day, and therefore us "normal" people get crap treatment, and therefore the cycle begins again.

Agree with my list? (Of course you do.)  Share with your friends, foes and mistresses - or feel my wrath:


Feel free to tell me how much greater your country is below in the comments section. (US, Australia, China & India excluded on grounds that they are worse.)

And don't forget to hit the stumble button so that many more people can get irate.