Monday, 7 September 2009

Don't buy an Xbox. Ever.


I loved my Xbox 360. Note the use of the past tense here.

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I have had 3. Three. Three for the love of the flying spaghetti monster.

I now collect them, it's like the opening scene from Terminator in my house, with strewn, charred, worthless pieces of destroyed technology lying around.

I have an original crystal Xbox that still works fine, how is this possible? Oh yes, because it was properly engineered and able to do what it promised.

I was a fan, now I consider myself an arch enemy. I wouldn't let my worst enemy buy a 360. I used to buy them Gamecubes, so take note Xbox.

And then I realised something.

Why am I surprised, there is a trend. Anything Microsoft has touched in recent years (or, since forever some might say) is utter balls. Transgender playdough balls at that.

My evidence:
  1. The current releases of MS Office; what the hell is that overcomplicated abysmal fanboy

    Image representing Microsoft as depicted in Cr...Image via CrunchBase

    graphical interface. I just want to change the font size. I liked the following review:
    The person who designed the newest installation of word should be shot in the fucking face! If I ever meet him I'm gonna scream so hard in his fucking ears that his eardrums turn to mush!
    Why are there so many fucking buttons?!?!?! NOTHING is easy to do. This is about as user friendly as making fire with 2 sticks.
    here here
  2. Windows Vista was/is a joke. Its up there with Windows ME (Millenium Edition for those not well versed, see the Urban Dictionary for an accurate summary. Vista actually leaves me wanting to eat my own face half of the time, and you have these people high fiving about the release of Windows 7, give me a break - without wanting to sound American - it's going to be a pile of steaming horse turd. In fact it's already getting rave reviews for an MS release, notably "shit".
  3. How many years has it been since the 360 got all of the publicised problems and it still doesn't stop frying and chewing itself and its owners up. It's the Hitler of games consoles, organised and full of propaganda, but underneath a soul sapping evil machine plaguing the masses.
I can associate with the extreme violence in the video below, but I don't get the bizarre music and laughable gangster appeal. I'm sure it impressed his mother though:

People are all afraid of Google taking over the world, reading our emails and trying to sell us targeted adverts for our favourite phallus enlargement aids, but at least they will produce a console that doesn't melt every time it gets plugged in.

My dead Xbox 360 :(Image by Jeff the Trojan via Flickr

It will be efficient, most likely free and will make my manhood into a monstrous algorithm.

Plus I won't have to box my faux entertainment system up for weeks on end.

Nor will I have to wrap anything other than myself in towels. (is this guys head real?)

But then, all this is solved by just buying a PS3. Oh has its own problems.

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