Cost: £18 Million.
Club: Manchester United.
- Being Mr Average.
- Repetitive use of a chipped angled pass to nobody.
- Makes players like Frank Lampard look like world beaters.
- Impersonating an international class England midfielder.
- Suffers from; "Gareth Barry everyone has a nice word to say about him syndrome"
Cost: £8.5 Million.
Club: Manchester City.
- Promising to become a decent attacking player.
- Failing at the highest level.
- Running in one direction, very quickly, for no purpose.
- Having a famous, successful dad, Jordi Cruyf anyone?
- Never ever capable of being a threat like Beckham.
Cost: £7 Million
Current Club: Tottenham Hotspur
- First and foremost, silly hair syndrome.
- Regular inability to be fit. "Ow my thigh."
- Succession of pricey transfers for some unknown reason.
- Impressive list of relegated clubs on his CV.
- Impersonating a professional footballer.
Cost: £10 Million
- Constantly looking sweaty, and despite this has a poor sweat to goal ratio.
- Suffers from Ian Dowie lookalike disorder.
- Should apologise for his transfer fee.
- Regularly looking frustrated, does not translate into fan sympathy.
- His run can only be described as a "plod".
- World record holder for hitting side netting.
Cost: £6 Million
Club: Newcastle United
- Looking like Annie Lennox.
- Trying to convey a bad boy image, then suffering that nasty injury from a freekick.
- Collecting wages and doing nothing of note for them.
- Pretending for years to be a striker. Forgetting that goals are a key ingredient to this position.
- However, sentence will be reduced in recognition that he plays for a small lower league club.
Cost: £14 Million
Club: Manchester City
- Having no neck, commonly referred to as the "Julian Joachim" effect.
- Constantly being a whining, moaning son of a...
- Currently collecting all of the clubs for his sticker album. Impending transfer to Walsall FC to complete his set.
- The most decidedly average striker since Darren Huckerberry Finn.
- Repeat offender for getting his career with a new club "off to a flying start", before leaving the week after.
Image by toksuede via Flickr
Cost: £30 Million
Club: Manchester United
- Causing me to choke when I remembered how much Man. Utd paid for him.
- Looking deceptively good in the worst Tottenham team since, well, the season before.
- Suspicions are that he lives in a crypt, sleeps in the coffin and drinks the blood of Gary Neville to stay alive.
- Moves like a sloth.
- Commits a playground cardinal sin, never ever passes.
Cost: £16 Million
- Always looking perplexed.
- Drink driving.
- Being one of the most expensiv, yet anonymous Premier League players.
- Signing himself for both Man Utd and Chelsea. Robinho clearly took tips.
- Managing to also get yourself "kidnapped"...
- General douchbaggery.
Cost: £15 Million
Club: Tottenham Hotspur
- Crashing into a tree whilst pissed up. Great role model.
- Believing in ones own hype.
- A succession of embarrassing haircuts, culminating in some thunderbirdsesque greasy thing recently.
- A sufferer of "billy-big-time" syndrome.
- Being compared in his youth to Dennis Bergkamp. Give us ALL a break.
That should suffice for now.
As I was compiling this list I thought of many players that aren't over-rated, because no one rates them, but they are worth honourable mention for just how bad they are:
- Praise be, to Titus Bramble, currently of Wigan Athletic. As bad as bad gets in the Prem.
- Hail to the consistently error prone star that is Liam Ridgewell of Birmingham City.
- Congratulations to Tottenham for extending circus act Peter Crouch's career.
- Notable mention to Emile Heskey, still release from the stalls most Saturdays.
- Scott Carson, West Brom's "joker" - just how bad must a 'keeper be? Give up Scott.
- Sunderland's Craig Gordon, you are not far behind.
- Daniel Cousin, who does he play for this week? Hull, Fulham, Stoke?
- Paul Scharner, kind of like watching your dad remembering how to play.