Monday, 7 September 2009

Over rated footballers - EXPOSED.


Offender: Michael Carrick
English footballer Michael CarrickImage via Wikipedia

Cost: £18 Million.
Club: Manchester United.

Charged with:
  1. Being Mr Average.
  2. Repetitive use of a chipped angled pass to nobody.
  3. Makes players like Frank Lampard look like world beaters.
  4. Impersonating an international class England midfielder.
  5. Suffers from; "Gareth Barry everyone has a nice word to say about him syndrome"
Offender: Shaun Wright-Phillips
English football (soccer) player :en:Shaun Wri...Image via Wikipedia

Cost: £8.5 Million.
Club: Manchester City.

Charged with:

  1. Promising to become a decent attacking player.
  2. Failing at the highest level.
  3. Running in one direction, very quickly, for no purpose.
  4. Having a famous, successful dad, Jordi Cruyf anyone?
  5. Never ever capable of being a threat like Beckham.
Offender: Jonathon Woodgate
Jonathan Woodgate. Image cropped from original...Image via Wikipedia

Cost: £7 Million
Current Club: Tottenham Hotspur

Charged with:

  1. First and foremost, silly hair syndrome.
  2. Regular inability to be fit. "Ow my thigh."
  3. Succession of pricey transfers for some unknown reason.
  4. Impressive list of relegated clubs on his CV.
  5. Impersonating a professional footballer.
Offender: Dirk Kuyt
Dirk Kuijt, Spieler der niederländischen Fußba...Image via Wikipedia

Cost: £10 Million
Club: Liverpool

Charged with:

  1. Constantly looking sweaty, and despite this has a poor sweat to goal ratio.
  2. Suffers from Ian Dowie lookalike disorder.
  3. Should apologise for his transfer fee.
  4. Regularly looking frustrated, does not translate into fan sympathy.
  5. His run can only be described as a "plod".
  6. World record holder for hitting side netting.
Offender: Alan Smith
Manchester United footballer :en:Alan Smith in...Image via Wikipedia

Cost: £6 Million
Club: Newcastle United

Charged with:

  1. Looking like Annie Lennox.
  2. Trying to convey a bad boy image, then suffering that nasty injury from a freekick.
  3. Collecting wages and doing nothing of note for them.
  4. Pretending for years to be a striker. Forgetting that goals are a key ingredient to this position.
  5. However, sentence will be reduced in recognition that he plays for a small lower league club.
Offender: Craig Bellamy
Football player Craig Bellamy in action for WalesImage via Wikipedia

Cost: £14 Million
Club: Manchester City

Charged with:

  1. Having no neck, commonly referred to as the "Julian Joachim" effect.
  2. Constantly being a whining, moaning son of a...
  3. Currently collecting all of the clubs for his sticker album. Impending transfer to Walsall FC to complete his set.
  4. The most decidedly average striker since Darren Huckerberry Finn.
  5. Repeat offender for getting his career with a new club "off to a flying start", before leaving the week after.
Offender: Dimitar Berbatov
Celtic v Manchester UnitedImage by toksuede via Flickr

Cost: £30 Million
Club: Manchester United

Charged with:

  1. Causing me to choke when I remembered how much Man. Utd paid for him.
  2. Looking deceptively good in the worst Tottenham team since, well, the season before.
  3. Suspicions are that he lives in a crypt, sleeps in the coffin and drinks the blood of Gary Neville to stay alive.
  4. Moves like a sloth.
  5. Commits a playground cardinal sin, never ever passes.
Offender: John Obi Mikel
I got a picture on John Obi Mikel singing auto...Image via Wikipedia

Cost: £16 Million
Club: Chelsea

Charged with:
  1. Always looking perplexed.
  2. Drink driving.
  3. Being one of the most expensiv, yet anonymous Premier League players.
  4. Signing himself for both Man Utd and Chelsea. Robinho clearly took tips.
  5. Managing to also get yourself "kidnapped"...
  6. General douchbaggery.
Offender: David Bentley.
LONDON - MARCH 24:  David Bentley of England c...Image by Getty Images via Daylife

Cost: £15 Million
Club: Tottenham Hotspur

Charged with:

  1. Crashing into a tree whilst pissed up. Great role model.
  2. Believing in ones own hype.
  3. A succession of embarrassing haircuts, culminating in some thunderbirdsesque greasy thing recently.
  4. A sufferer of "billy-big-time" syndrome.
  5. Being compared in his youth to Dennis Bergkamp. Give us ALL a break.

That should suffice for now.

As I was compiling this list I thought of many players that aren't over-rated, because no one rates them, but they are worth honourable mention for just how bad they are:

  1. Praise be, to Titus Bramble, currently of Wigan Athletic. As bad as bad gets in the Prem.
  2. Hail to the consistently error prone star that is Liam Ridgewell of Birmingham City.
  3. Congratulations to Tottenham for extending circus act Peter Crouch's career.
  4. Notable mention to Emile Heskey, still release from the stalls most Saturdays.
  5. Scott Carson, West Brom's "joker" - just how bad must a 'keeper be? Give up Scott.
  6. Sunderland's Craig Gordon, you are not far behind.
  7. Daniel Cousin, who does he play for this week? Hull, Fulham, Stoke?
  8. Paul Scharner, kind of like watching your dad remembering how to play.
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