Wednesday, 25 February 2009

A lifetime of misrepresentation


Do you remember that fine childish sense of wonder you once had? I woke up this morning and want to know who is was the purported the lie that amazing things would be common place in our everyday lives by now.

In what is now a truly global world, I want to know exactly why in 1969 we could put a man on the Moon, but now we do not have a moonbase. I want to know why we developed Concorde, an astounding feat of technology for supersonic passenger travel, and then resorted back to what we had before.

Most importantly, I want to know how Dunkin' Donuts had to back out of the UK market when there was no competition and a strong desire for high calorie treats on this isle.

Here follows a list of things we were promised, we did not get and I am suitably annoyed about as a result:

Gravity Boots.

<span class=Image by bionicgrrrl via Flickr

This is an easy one. How many TV shows, cartoons etc. have you seen showcasing these amazing must have items? Hundreds. If NASA has them, I want them. I want to be able to choose whether I stay stuck to this rock or float off it please, it is my human right to choose. And, should they finally get their act together with Moon holidays I want to have my pair already in order to beat the rush.

A more sensible use is perhaps for people climbing mountains, for example, how handy would some ultimate gravity boots be, no falling off, and you could walk the underside of cliff faces. If you were sceptical before, I know you are now convinced.

Plus it would make rambling cool for the first time in history.


Amsterdam <span class=Image by macropoulos via Flickr

Star Trek is to blame for this. And it is actually now possible. A dull scientist has made atoms disappear and re-appear in different places (I'd assume parts of the lab.) So, why can I not step into my teleporting device and go visit the pyramids of Egypt in a flash and catch a few rays?

I will tell you why, because it would ruin 40 years of Science Fiction programmes, the implausible, becomes plausible dull everyday life. It is like how 70's cop shows were amazing until they started making reality shows like Cops that showed far worse and consequently more interesting things to the masses.

Furthermore, my googling has unearthed a place in Amsterdam called Teleport Towers, suspicious! I would not put it past the Dutch to build a teleport whilst on some drug, alcohol and sex binge.

Space Holidays.

IN SPACE - SEPTEMBER 13:  In this handout <span class=Image by Getty Images via Daylife

This was the biggest con of my childhood years. I genuinely expected to be able to go to a Space Terminal, as in Men In Black 1, and board a rocket ship into space. BA123 to Mars. I can vividly remember reading stories about celebrities buying "reserved" seats on the first tourist trips into space. Bloody liars! What tourist trips? And do not get conned by the whole Virgin space trip rubbish. Flying really high and back down again is not space tourism. Going to the Moon and beyond is.

In fact there is something incredibly backward about our worlds space ambitions right now. Naturally we have no other worlds to compare ourselves to, but I imagine if aliens are watching, they must think we are as progressive in this respect as Zimbabwe is an economic power.

3D Interactive Worlds.

World of <span class=Image by swanky via Flickr

Which leads nicely to the biggest con upon the masses since Chelsea became a "big" football club. World of Warcraft/Runescape is not a 3D interactive world!

I was promised a headset, full 360 vision in a genuine "other" world that I could pick things up in, eat and do other unmentionables. I am sure everyone has seen that episode of Red Dwarf.

Instead, we have a frankly shitty MMORPG where people run around a non 3D (its on your god-damn screens people) world as female elves, completing lame quests. Truly, can life become anymore unfulfilling?

We have indeed been misled.


DOVER, ENGLAND - SEPTEMBER 26:  In this <span class=Image by Getty Images via Daylife

Up until recently when some crackpot was seen flying around in his jetwings, everything has been quiet on the flying front. But I am still not happy. Why is is still only just being developed?? Why can I not choose to fly to work today? Someone has been very mean and lazy indeed, promising such a cool and fantastic way to get around, and choose not to work on it and ensure that its readily stocked at Maplins. What a bloody let down.

I have had 4 Xbox 360's that died on me, and not one single jet pack in my entire life. What a bloody disgrace.

Laser Guns.

Geek Boy with a <span class=Image by StreetFly JZ via Flickr

Ever played a first person shooter? I am thinking along the lines of Doom, Halo, Star Trek Academy etc here. Need a further reference, look no further than Star Wars; Storm trooper weapons or a lightsaber anyone?

Where is my killer laser weapon should I need to lop off the arm of an advancing felon? We now live in a world where Police officers (in America at least) would rather use non lethal force, but why should this mean bean bags and taser "guns". I mean, for the love of your mom, bean bags? Are you kidding me? And a taser gun is not a gun, it is merely a stronger version of that shitty pass around game you can get from gadget shops that makes people jump and go all "staticky".

A laser gun would surely seal any wound through its cauterizing nature and Stargate/Star Trek have demonstrated that any such device could be fitted with a "stun" option. How wise and thought through. Unlike a frankly embarrassing bean bag alternative.

First Contact.

First contactImage by quinn.anya via Flickr

Ok, there was that film in the 90's of the same name that was all amazing until it got to the potentially interesting part, and ended. The point being, I am bored of being alone in the universe. I am from the generation that cried when I thought E.T. was dead, that can recite the speech the President makes in Independence Day ("we shall not go quietly into the night...") and who genuinely believed there was a soup dragon on the moon until he was about 13.

So where are the aliens? The odds are that if we are here, then there must be others. The hindrance I am well aware of is the vastness of space, and our inability to seemingly fire a mouse out of our arses further than next doors garden these days. When I was about 14 I used to infuriate my father by installing (and crashing) the SETI screensaver that digested meaningless collected data and sent it back to say if I'd found an alien. What a complete scam. Not a single Klingon, faux Egyption God or Reptilian 60's monster.

And this is how it will remain because if you were an intelligent life-form would you come here on holiday or even choose us as a stop-over? No, this is the same Earth that would rather fund films like Snakes On A Plane and watch repeats of F.R.I.E.N.D.S. I mean if people spent half their time developing a warp engine that they do building abysmal shitty facebook "apps" then we might have our own 3 boobed Total Recall wife by now. *Sigh*.

Global Warming.

Al gore giving his global warming talk in <span class=Image via Wikipedia

I always shake my head at people who at the first sign of some adverse weather conditions say;"Oh, that's global warming for you!". Morons. The science is shaky on both sides, which neither side will care to acknowledge whilst the rest of us get shafted on green taxes for a subject that no-one fully understands or can prove one way or the other. Still, people will watch and take in crap like Al Gore's movie and be convinced by his argument. The same man that couldn't convince America to vote for him over George W Bush as President. See my point?

Regardless, I live on an often overcast island, it rains, snows, sleets and hails. Welcome to Britain. I like it, but I was promised that the Earth would warm. It still feels somewhat chilly, and I still have to book a holiday to Spain if I want to look anything healthier than someone with a terminal illness.

Fat Pills.

A hamburger with a sesame seed roll.Image via Wikipedia

I am a relatively trim person, I eat what I want and go to the gym enough that I do not repulse my fellow human beings. However, where is my all you can eat pill?

There were two lies fed to me (pun intended) as a child through mass media. One was the Willy Wonka-esque roast dinner sweet. A meal in a small tablet. The best currently on offer is space ice cream allegedly developed by Nasa sold in "gimmick" stores. It is sugared freeze dried milk in a vacuum wrapped packet. It is not a small pill that fills me up all day with all the satisfaction of eating. And do not even start me on multivitamin supplements.

The other is the much coveted "eat as much as you want, but put no weight on" pill. Chinese herbalists are no doubt grinding up all kinds of endangered species to try and develop one last product to sell on mast to us fat greedy westerners. As a child I was led to believe I could eat as many Big Macs, Doritos and Mars Bars as I wanted, for there would be the pill that meant I never put weight on. Evidently some people counted on this a little too much.

Where is my pill? Because I am bloody starving.

Electric Cars.

2004-2007 Toyota <span class=Image via Wikipedia

I am unreliably informed by Wikipedia that the electric car has been with us since the back end of the 1800's. How is it therefore that we are still plagued with these bloody vehicles that need topping up with million year old squashed dinosaur juice? I mean, oil is hard to find, expensive to extract, a pain in the arse to refine and expensive to the consumer and to retail. How can that be easier than developing a solar panel for the roof of every car and a battery that is small and light?

It is a total conspiracy, and whilst it has been kept from us for years, we are still going down the hybrid route. It is nothing short of bizarre.

Where is my electric bubble car that emits nothing other than extra virgin olive oil and Lindt chocolate buttons? Instead we make do with cancer inducing, asthma causing, planet destroying oil. Thanks alot BP, Shell, Texaco et al, you utter utter bastards.

Nuclear Monsters.

Doom relies heavily on contrasts of lighting i...Image via Wikipedia

And for the biggest let down yet. For all the alleged pollution, nuclear waste etc where are the mutant swarms? Where is our deformed warzone? I have been practising for years on the plains of Half Life, Halo, Doom, Duke Nukem and watched countless low budget zombie films in order to finely tune my skills.

And alas, nothing.

It's just like SARS, all exciting and then it just turns out to be chickens with a cough. What a let down, no red eyed characters bashing an my door whilst I reached for the BFG, no waking up in the night to discover that my dog has been bitten and is now a "zombie" dog (I am legend)...

Back to dreaming I suppose.

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